Gone
by Ranowa Hikura
Summary: CO romance, major EO friendship. A criminal tears Casey and Olivia apart; now Casey must find her way home and Olivia must try and deal with a horrible tragedy. Also... I'M BACK!
1. Chapter 1

See! See! See! I told you people I'd come back! And, now it's official... I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! My love for SVU can not be silenced! MY LOVE FOR CASEY WILL ALWAYS GROW STRONGER! ...And I'll show it by, once again, borrowing her from Dick Wolf (he doesn't even like her anymore, so I'll just steal her permanently :D) and abusing her. But don't worry, you know me, I'll return her unharmed! ...or keep her locked in my bedroom closet.

DON'T ANY OF YOU TELL DICK WOLF MY PLANS OR I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN, YOU NON-LIMERS!

And, this is also MY fic dedicated to Chris and Mariska's departure from SVU. I may not be an EO fan, but I do know that the show will fall flat on its face without El and Liv on there. How Dick Wolf thinks it will remain popular, I'll never know.

So, here we are. CO romance, lots of EO friendship (NO chance of EO romance, sorry), and its not a happy piece, folks, so if you don't like that, don't read it.

But anyway, here's another CO fic- and I finally managed to write one that wasn't a oneshot! WOOOOO! First chapter is pure CO cuteness, but don't expect that in chapter 2. Or any other chapter until the end. Please read and review!

**Chapter 1**

**SVU sqaud room**

**April 16th **

**11: 31 pm**

Casey nodded in agreement as Elliot explained the new developments in the case to Cragen. She really, _really_ didn't want to be here right now. However, if she stayed, there was a chance Olivia might drive her home to finish up their date, which had been interrupted. And that was worth listening to all this boring drivel again.

"So, when Cynthia told us it was her brother's friend, she was lying?" Cragen asked as he looked at the file again. "And she was lying because her real rapist, Taylor Smith, had warned he would go after her family if she told the police the truth?"

Elliot nodded. "Yeah. I convinced her we would keep her family safe, and she finally agreed to testify against him. But Casey, you've still got you work cut out for you- we all know the defense will draw attention to the fact that she lied about her rapist the first time around."

Casey sighed, then nodded. "I know. Don't worry, I'll work with her... well, if that's all you need, detectives, I think I'll be heading home. I'll give Cynthia witness prep tomorrow and call you when I have a date for trial." She winked at Olivia, then turned and headed out of the squad room.

Olivia groaned as the detectives all grinned and started calling attention to Casey's wink. "Oh, Liv," Munch said with a chuckle. "You'd better hurry home, I think Casey wants to get busy with you. She certainly seemed eager enough."

"Yeah," Elliot added on, smiling slightly, "that wasn't a friendly wink, that was a sex wink."

As eager as Olivia was to get home to Casey and... honestly, 'get busy with her', she had to ask, "Okay, what the hell is a sex wink?"

"Its when you wink at someone to seduce them," Fin said simply as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You've been dating Casey for over a year now, Olivia, I'd have think you've seen the sex wink before."

Olivia looked at them all, then just shook her head and got to her feet. "As stimulating as this conversation about winks and sex is, I really do want to get home before midnight. And, just so you know, tomorrow, I will _not_ be well-rested, so any comments on how lucky I did or did not get will not be tolerated. Got it?"

The other detectives just laughed and waved her out of the squad room, catcalling about her and Casey as they did so. Olivia just smiled and zipped up her jacket. She knew they only teased her because they loved her, but she thought it really was sad Casey hadn't been here to see it. They teased Casey too, though the ADA had no idea how often the detectives talked about Olivia getting lucky. She would kill Fin, Munch, and Elliot if she ever found out that they talked to her about things like 'sex winks' and that they based Olivia's current mood on whether Casey outfit was pants or a skirt.

**Casey Novak's apartment**

**April 17th**

**12: 05 am**

"Casey!" Olivia called as she sauntered into her girlfriend's apartment. "I'm here!"

"Olivia!" an excited voice shouted from the bedroom, and Casey flew forth, straight into Olivia's arms. "I'm so glad you made it! Finally, you're you come over and I'm actually still awake!"

Olivia smiled brightly, then pressed a kiss on Casey's lips. The ADA wrapped her arms around her and moaned slightly, kissing her back for a moment before taking stepping back and offering her a wink. "Liv, as much as the aspect of having my way with you right now sounds... I can't."

"What?" Olivia demanded, stepping back with eyes wide with disappointment. "Why?"

Casey sighed, lowering her gaze, then said, "Because I have the flu and I don't want to get you sick, okay? I agreed to go on our date earlier because I knew I might not get another one for several weeks, but I'm still sick and we have sex tomorrow you'll wake up sneezing and coughing and it'll be all my fault!"

"Aw, Case," Olivia said with a groan, kissing her cheek. "That's so sweet... but why didn't you tell me before I kissed you? Now I'll get sick anyway!"

Casey coughed again, then gave her a weak smile and shrugged. "Sorry. But you were irresistible. Now, come on, honey. I may not be able to sleep _with_ you, but I can still sleep in the same bed as you. And I love sleeping in your arms when I sick," she said with another seductive grin.

"Casey, are you _trying_ to get me sick? Because if you keep looking at me like that, we're going to end up having sex, and then I'll get sick but feel bad if I blame you. You devious little witch," Olivia said with a smirk as she walked back to Casey's bedroom, shedding her jacket as she went.

"Oh, you know you love me for it," Casey told her before giving her another kiss. "Don't you?"

"You know I love you, Case," Olivia said, nuzzling her lover's nose, then putting her gun, badge, and cell down on the bedside table.

Casey nodded as she lay down next to Olivia. "I do," she agreed, then sniffled slightly and coughed again. "But I also love hearing you say it."

"Well," Olivia said as she opened up her arms for Casey to snuggle against her side, "I love you very, very, very much."

"And I love you too... night, Liv."

"Night Case." The room had been silent for a total of five seconds before Olivia's cell phone started ringing. Both women heaved audible sighs, and Casey rolled out of Olivia's arms with a huff as the detective apologized profusely. "I'm so sorry, Casey, but I have to check it... hello? ... Elliot, this had god damn better be important! Yes, you interrupted something! ...get to the point, will you? ... and you called me because- oh my god. Tell me _exactly_ what he said."

Casey heard Olivia's change in tone and looked up at her in concern, watching as her familiar features tightened in anger. "Are we taking this seriously? ... yes, I'll tell her... as long as he's at the precinct, we shouldn't have anything to worry about, right? ...bye." Olivia hung up the phone and set it aside, then turned to Casey with a worried expression.

Casey reached forward to grasp Olivia's hand comfortingly and frowned nervously. "Olivia, what's wrong?" When the detective didn't reply, she squeezed her hand and said, "Come on, you can tell me, sweetie."

Olivia bit her lip, then looked her in the eye and said, "Casey... Taylor Smith threatened you, while Munch and Fin were interrogating him. He said, 'but your ADA, well, she's not too bad. I'd love to have my go at her, to make her scream my name, to see her handcuffed to the bed, to see her bleeding. Why don't you give me her address, I'm sure the two of us would love to have a little fun?'."

Casey blinked, then gave a deep, shuddering breath to try and calm herself and remain strong. "Olivia, Smith is at the precinct, eyes on him 24/7. He doesn't have a chance of getting to me, I'll be fine. I promise." She tried to stop herself from becoming nervous, but wasn't sure if she was succeeding or not.

Olivia sighed and put a hand on her lover's shoulder. "Casey... I really would feel better if you let me stay with you for a couple days, just to make sure. Please? It'd make us all sleep easier..."

Casey smiled at how sweet and protective Olivia was, then caressed her cheek and looked into her eyes. "Olivia, look at me. I'm going to be fine, I promise. Smith's not getting to me. Now, they need you at work, and I'm thinking of taking a sick day tomorrow. And as appealing as the thought of you all to myself is, you need to go to work so Smith can be put away for good... how about this, hun, I'll compromise. Tomorrow, you go to work, where you can keep an eye on Smith, and I'll stay here. Then, after that, you can be my bodyguard. Deal?"

Olivia hesitated, then said softly, "Deal... Case, I just... I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you."

Casey embraced her, kissing her cheek. "Nothing will, Olivia. I promise... I love you too." After a moment, she pulled back slightly, though still kept her arms around Olivia. "Is sleeping in your arms tonight still an option, baby?"

Olivia just smiled at her, then said, "It always is." They both lay down, Casey trapped in Olivia's embrace, though neither would be going to sleep anytime soon.

**Casey Novak's apartment**

**April 17th**

**5: 45 am**

Casey woke up with a start and immediately bolted out of Olivia's arms, headed straight for the bathroom, barely making it in time before she threw up. She struggled to keep herself upright, her stomach heaving, until she slumped weakly against the side of the bathtub, breathing heavily. "Damn flu," she managed to pant, closing her eyes from the pain in her head and throat. She tried to stand up, but she was shaking so much that the feat was impossible. With a tired sigh that made her throat burn again, she reached up blindly and pulled a towel down from the rack above her and wrapped it around herself like a blanket, snuggling into the corner and leaning her head against the cool side of the bathtub. She shivered slightly, but it still felt good.

Casey wasn't sure how long she had been asleep when Olivia's sleepy voice woke her up. "Case?"

Casey forced her eyes open and gave her another weak smile. "Stomach flu," she said as a way of an explanation and curled up tighter, trying to look at Olivia without thinking about the nausea roiling in her stomach.

"Oh, honey," Olivia said sympathetically. She walked over and kissed Casey's sweaty cheek before saying, "Listen, Elliot called again... I really have to go to work now, and I don't think you'll be going anywhere today." Casey shook her head and sighed sadly, closing her eyes against the headache. Olivia frowned at her, before patting her shoulder and saying, "I'll be right back, okay, Case? Don't move."

Casey just shrugged, but when Olivia was gone she felt another harsh wave of nausea and began throwing up again. After a few minutes of struggling to breathe, she felt Olivia behind her, holding her back and rubbing circles into her back soothingly. "Its okay, honey, don't fight it, just breathe," Olivia said softly. Finally, Casey leaned back against the wall and wrapped the towel tighter around herself, still breathing heavily. Olivia smiled comfortingly at her, then said, "I brought you a glass of water and some saltine crackers. Also," she gently unwrapped the towel from Casey's pale body and wrapped a blanket around her instead, "this should help get you warmer. Now, open wide," she said jokingly as she held up a thermometer. Casey groaned, then took the device from Olivia and stuck it sourly in her mouth. Olivia just grinned at her, then handed her a pillow as she said, "I also called in sick for you just now, so don't even _think_ of going into work." Casey rolled her eyes and huffed unhappily, waiting until the thermometer beeped to take it out of her mouth and glancing at it before shaking her head distastefully. "101. I don't like the sight of that."

"I'll be better tomorrow, Liv," Casey coughed. "Really."

Olivia sighed, then hugged her gently before setting Casey's cell on the ground next to her and instructing her, "Now, you call me if you need anything at all today, all right, love?" Casey smiled weakly, then nodded and kissed her cheek. Olivia winced when she felt her girlfriend's burning hot skin, then squeezed her hand before helping her lie down on the cold bathroom floor. Casey smiled and nuzzled her head into the pillow, closing her eyes immediately. Olivia grinned at the sight before getting to her feet and saying, "Well, I have to get to work. Get some sleep, honey, and I'll see you when I get home. Take care, Casey. Love you."

Casey sighed happily, still awake even though her eyes were closed, and said, "I love you too. Thank you so much..." Olivia looked her girlfriend up one and down once again, making sure she had everything she needed before heading out of the apartment as quietly as possible.

Please review


	2. Chapter 2

Ooh, reviews! Thank you all for reviewing! But somethings wrong with the sight so I can't see them and I already deleted the emails, so I can't address you guys personally. Except for you, Sean. PINK TIE AW. That's what I have to say to you.

Anways, the happiness ends now, but it WILL be back in the last chapter, I promise! I know because I've already written the whole story. :D

From here on out, spoilers for 'Loss' and 'Ghost'.

**Warning: The first scene in this chapter is rated M for a rape scene. Do not read if it offends.**

**Chapter 2**

**Casey Novak's apartment**

**April 17th**

**9: 10am**

When Casey finally woke up again, she was much colder then before, and much more uncomfortable. She shifted slightly with a groan, trying to pull her freezing arms closer to her torso, yet finding something was restraining them. Thinking Olivia might have come home and enveloped her in her arms, Casey smiled slightly and opened her eyes.

Being in Olivia's arms was always heaven, for Casey. But this was hell.

She was in her bed, handcuffed to the bed posts by her wrists and ankles. Her clothes were all gone, and she was pale, naked, and shivering on top of her bed, the handcuffs digging harshly into her skin, making her bleed. Casey tried to scream, but found herself choking and struggling to breathe through a gag. "Ah, she's awake," said a sickly warm voice from the corner of the room, and Casey started trying to struggle or fight her way out of this. She raised her head, but when she saw who was approaching her, she wished she hadn't.

Taylor Smith laughed as he walked over and sat next to her thrashing body on the bed. He seemed to be amused at her struggles. "Well well well, looks like this cat needs a little taming, doesn't she?" Casey tried to scream in terror again, but it only came out as a thin, quiet whine, and he laughed again. "Come on, honey, I want you, I want you now," he said before leaning over her and kissing her all over. Casey tried to pull back in disgust and was treated with a smack to the face for her efforts. "_Don't_ act out," he warned coldly, "or you _will_ be punished." Then he began kissing her again, but Casey couldn't help it. She doesn't _want_ this, doesn't _want him_, and she _can't _just lie here and let him do this to her! She tries to scream again as she pulls away in revulsion, and he growls in frustration before getting to his feet and taking loosening his belt.

"You bitch," he snarled, "I told you to do what you're told. You are a pathetic, weak woman, you should know you're place. Never mind, I shall show you your place. And I'll do it again and again and again until you learn."

Then he began whipping her across the stomach with his belt, hitting her so hard she felt several of her ribs crack. Casey whimpered, trying to be strong, but, nevertheless, tears began leaking out of her eyes as he kept hitting her over and over again. She tried fighting him, but the pain grew to be so great it paralyzed her, leaving her motionless under her attacker. Satisfied, Taylor tossed his belt to the side and began his assault on her body again... but this time, he bit her, and squeezed her breasts and stroked the inside of her thighs, and Casey couldn't help it and she tried to pull back, the chains holding her place. Taylor saw her attempts to escape and was not pleased.

"I told you, I'll make you learn your damn lesson, bitch. I'll make you learn it." Then he whipped her again, beating her over and over and over until tears were streaming silently down her cheeks and she was praying for it to end. "Now," he asked, "will you be a good girl if I try again?" Casey, stubborn as over, closed her eyes tightly and told herself, _'It's a dream, it's a dream, it's a dream,'_ but her hopeful wishes were interrupted when he smacked her across the face and wrapped his hand around her throat, so tight she couldn't breathe. "Look at me when I am talking to you!" he snarled, squeezing her already mangled throat tighter as she struggled to get in enough oxygen to stay conscious. "Now, I asked you a question! _Answer me_!"

Casey let her walls finally crash down as she began bucking and sobbing, and gave a weak nod. Taylor nodded in satisfaction. "Good, darling. Good girl."

He continued to try and have sex with her, to force his way into her, but whenever she tried to fight him or pull back, she was in for another beating. The entire time, she was sobbing, wishing she was anywhere but here. She wanted so badly to wake up in Olivia's arms, to wake up from this nightmare and have Olivia embrace and soothe her and tell her it was all over now and that she was safe.

But Olivia wasn't here, and it wasn't over, and she wasn't safe!

And when Taylor finally entered her, raped her, and Casey felt pain like she had never known before, she found herself thinking only thing- _'Olivia! Olivia, where are you? Olivia, please come, please, OLIVIA!' _

Taylor laughed in her ear, and with the pain from the physical injuries came the realization that she was dying. And she didn't care. All she wanted was peace. She wanted Olivia to come and take her softly into her arms and make her safe again. She wanted to cry her heart out into her lover's shoulder and for Olivia to give her peace. But Olivia wasn't here. And as Casey passed slowly into unconsciousness, feeling Taylor thrust into her over and over again, her last thought was, _'Olivia, I love you'_.

**SVU squad room**

**April 17th**

**6: 25pm**

"Munch," Olivia said, rubbing her eyes tiredly, "I just _told _you, Casey wasn't feeling well last night and she was even worse this morning. That's why I'm not in a good mood. That's all. We didn't fight or anything."

"Right, and cell phones aren't a government conspiracy," he scoffed, rolling his eyes as he continued filling out paperwork.

"That's right, Munch, they're not." Olivia smiled slightly, then picked up her phone to try and call Casey- again. Third time today, and still no response. Truthfully, she was worried, and was about to say this aloud when she remembered that both Munch and Taylor Smith were in the squad room, though Taylor Smith was behind iron bars.

Elliot hurried into the squad room, eyes only for Olivia. "Liv, have you heard from Casey today?" he panted, trying to appear calm, but it was obvious he was panicking.

She frowned, immediately setting her paperwork aside and focusing on him. "No, why? Is she okay?"

Elliot stared at her awkwardly, then glanced over at Fin, who was standing rather pointedly in front of the TV. Fin looked at Olivia in sympathy, then glanced at the floor, biting his lip. "Elliot? Fin? What the hell is going on? What do you know about Casey that I don't?"

Elliot and Fin shared another concerned look, then Fin stepped aside and turned up the TV. It was showing a scene outside an apartment building... _Casey's _apartment building. It looked like there'd been an explosion of some sort; fire fighters were spraying water at the smoking remains of several cars and the flames inside the building while a reporter said, "After an explosion outside the West Side apartment building earlier today, police report one casualty and three others injured. The police will not be releasing the identities of these people until they discover the purpose behind the explosion and whether or not it was malicious. When..."

Olivia was out the door before the reporter finished that sentence.

**Outside Casey Novak's apartment building**

**April 17th**

**6:45pm**

"Let me through!" Olivia shouted as she fought to get through the thick crowd around her girlfriend's apartment building. She and Elliot finally managed to get through to the crime scene tape, to where several cops were working at the charred remains of a car. Elliot and Olivia showed them their badges and were finally allowed through.

"So, why are two sex crimes cops invading my-"

"Tell me who was killed!" Olivia shouted, interrupting the lead detective as she stared at him frantically. "The news said one person was killed and three people were hurt; tell me who they were!" The detective continued to stare at her in shock as she gasped, "Was Casey Novak one of them, that's all I need to know! Please, please, please, you have to tell me!"

The detective frowned, then nodded. "Yes, Casey Novak was the one killed, now, will you tell me why you're so interested in this?"

Olivia didn't hear the rest of the sentence. She was stuck on 'Casey Novak was the one killed'. It repeated in her head like a broken record, over and over again... it just wouldn't stop. But it didn't hurt. Everything was numb. She couldn't feel the pain she knew it would bring later... just total numbness.

She felt Elliot wrap his arms around her and lead her away from the crime scene, but she still couldn't think of anything else besides the fact that her lover was dead. Olivia would never see her alive again.

She heard Elliot whispering soothing things in her ear through his own grief, felt him kiss the top of her head, but none of it comforted her. The only thing that could do that would be Casey's warm embrace, which she would never feel again.

**SVU Squad Room**

**April 17th**

**8:00pm**

Everyone sat at their desks, Cragen standing by the coffee pot, staring at nothing. After receiving the news about Casey, Elliot had driven Olivia back to the squad room, where they told the others. Now, no one wanted to leave, no one wanted to stay. They all drew a sense of comfort from being together now, of all times, even though one of their group was missing.

They couldn't believe that Casey was gone. When she had first come to SVU, they had hated her. She could never have held a candle to Alex's ghost. Elliot and Olivia, especially, had resisted her.

But now, after three years, they loved her as one of their own. For a year, Casey and Olivia had been dating, and Casey had to be the best damn girlfriend Olivia had ever had.

And just like that, she was gone. All gone and never coming back. Olivia had often wondered if it would have been easier for her to believe Alex had died, if it wouldn't have hurt so much to know she was alive, but Olivia could never see her again... but no. It wouldn't have been easier. Even if it would have broken her heart to see Casey go into witness protection, at least she would have been alive. At least her angel could still smile and laugh and talk, at least she still had a slim possibility of a reunion. But now, with Casey... she could never have that. She could never hold that warm body in her arms again, and it was killing her.

She could not believe that Casey Novak was dead.

**Topeka, Kansas**

**Bellevue Hospital**

**April 19th**

**9:30 am**

Casey Novak could not believe that she was alive.

Given the amount of pain she was in, she had to be dead- but the afterlife couldn't hurt this much. She had to be alive.

She remembered everything that had happened, up to the point where she passed out. It made her want to burst into tears, but she didn't. Not yet. Though she was too tired to open her eyes, she could hear that she was in a hospital, and that meant Olivia was with her. Olivia could comfort her. Olivia could make her feel better, she could make it all go away.

But when she opened her eyes, there was no one in her hospital room besides a man in a suit, sitting in the corner and reading the paper. She couldn't see his face and started breathing faster, terrified that it was Taylor Smith, back to finish the job. But when her heart monitor started beating faster, the man noticed and put the paper down, hurrying over to her side. "It's okay, Ms. Novak," he said soothingly, trying to calm her down. "I'm Agent Samuel Harris, I'm not going to hurt you."

Casey stared at him in a panic, trying to calm herself down, but with little to no success. "Wha- what are you doing here?" she asked shakily. "Where's Olivia?"

Harris gave her a small smile and said, "Ms. Novak, I don't know who that is, but I need you to listen to me very carefully for the next few minutes. Taylor Smith escaped from the 1-6 by trading places with an identical twin and put a bomb under your car. My partner and I were on our way up to ask you a few questions about Taylor Smith when we saw it. It had all the signs of Smith; he was intending to kill you with it. We found you in your apartment unconscious; my partner brought you to the hospital while I set off the bomb. To everyone in New York, you are officially dead. We are putting you in witness protection, until we find Taylor Smith and bring him to trial. His other rape victim was almost killed by a car bomb as well, but she is already in the program. As of now, your name is Olivia Bell. We had to get out of state as fast as possible, so once you were stable we moved you to a hospital in Topeka, Kansas. After you get released, we'll be moving you to southern California."

Casey stared at him for several seconds, eyes wide with shock, unable to believe this. "Wha... what? No! No, I... I can't! You can't make me! I won't go!" she shouted, tears starting to burn in her eyes.

"Ms. Novak, it really is for the best..."

"No!" she screamed back, her hands balling into fists. "No, no, no, no, no!"

The federal agent was about to reply when a nurse came into her room, then smiled at her patient. "Oh, Ms. Bell, you're awake." Casey opened her mouth to shout that her name _wasn't _Olivia Bell, it was Casey Novak, but the nurse quickly moved over to her bed and said, "That's very good." She sat next to her on the bed and quickly shone a light in her eyes before she could protest. "Good, good..." she murmured, then made a note about something on her chart before looking back up at her and asking, "Ms. Bell, do you remember what happened?"

Casey was about to scream, _'Stop calling me that_!' when Agent Harris intercepted quickly, "No, no, she doesn't."

The nurse nodded, and before Casey could say that she did remember, the nurse said, "That's fine, I wouldn't expect her to. Ms. Bell, you were in a car accident. Your car's brake failed and you skidded off into a tree- very lucky that you survived. You have a pretty serious concussion, a couple broken ribs, several dozen stitches, and a sprained wrist. You can be released in a couple days, but right not, just sit tight and try and relax, Ms. Bell. You're on some pain medication, and your brother here gave us all your medical info, so you don't need to worry about anything."

When the nurse had gone, Casey turned to Harris and snapped, "My name is _not_ Olivia Bell and I _won't_ go into witness protection! I want to stay in New York, not god damn Kansas! I want to see my friends! And you are _not_ my god damn brother!"

Harris sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Casey. but this is to save your life. And I had to lie about my relation and what really happened so the doctors wouldn't know you were in witness protection."

"Can I at least... can I at least tell them goodbye?" she practically begged, tears coming to her eyes again at the thought of just letting Olivia think she dead. "Please? One of their friends went into witness protection a couple years ago and _she_ said goodbye! Can't I?"

He shook his head again. "You're already in Kansas, Casey. We can't risk bringing you back to New York. Anyway, you've been out for two days. You're not stable enough to be transported back to New York for at least several days, and by then, your picture will have been all over the news. We can't risk you being recognized, especially just so you can say goodbye. And, speaking of being recognized..." Harris pulled a wallet out of his pocket and handed it to her. Confused, Casey opened it, then stared at the picture inside with shock.

It looked exactly identical to her driver's license- though the information was Olivia Bell's- but she had _blonde_ hair in the picture- and was wearing glasses. "What the hell?" she muttered, then looked down at herself and realized she had blonde hair too. "What the- how- you _dyed my hair_?"

"We had to. Redheads stand out, and you have been in the news too often to blend in. We dyed your hair blond and now, you wear glasses, Ms. Bell."

"Stop calling me that!" she demanded, closing the wallet and glaring at him. "My name is Casey Novak, not 'Olivia Bell'! Don't you dare call me that!"

The fed sighed sadly and gave her a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, but you won't be going by the name 'Casey Novak' for a while."

Please review


	3. Chapter 3

Reviews! And now I can see them!

dove in love: oh, you know I would never kill Casey! …plus I told you what happened beforehand…

Sean: YOU CAN'T RUN.

**Chapter 3**

**Los Angeles **

**Glendale High School**

**April 25th**

**8:10 am**

"My name is Ms. Bell, and I am your new English teacher. Since its near the end of the year, I'll be following your old teacher's lesson plan. Today, she had down that she was going to give a test on some book named '_Speak_', so that's what I'll be doing. Um..." Casey glanced down her list of students and pulled one out at random. "John, would you mind passing these out?" She blinked when a short, pudgy kid got out of his chair and slouched over to her, taking the stack of papers from her hand and started grumpily passing them out. Casey blinked back a tear.

She missed John Munch. She liked him better then this whole class of bored 9th graders combined.

Casey sighed, then walked slowly and painfully over to her new desk and sat down. Last week, she had been a successful ADA in Manhattan, girlfriend to the most perfect woman in the world, and happy as could be. Now, she was a ninth grade English teacher, a rape victim, and miserable.

After being released from the hospital in Kansas three days ago, it had been a long plane ride down to LA, where the FBI agent had taken her to her new place- an apartment with flowery wall paper and not much else.

Casey hastily wiped another tear from her cheek at that- she missed Olivia. Harris had told her that the FBI would send her regular checks for the next six months to get her settled, since all accounts in Casey Novak's name had been transferred to a federal account until she could return to claim them. Since Casey had quite literally owned nothing except the clothes on her back once she got to LA, she had gone shopping and found herself looking for anything leather, to help remind her of Olivia. But it didn't work. The clothes she got all smelled new- nothing like Olivia.

And so, for three days, she had been alone in her apartment until she started her new job- the other teacher had been mysteriously promoted. Well, those were Harris's words, but Casey knew he had something to do with it.

She yawned, rubbing her eyes sleepily. As much as it embarrassed her to admit it, she couldn't sleep with the lights off, and she often used the pain pills the hospital had given her to knock herself out each night.. And even if every single damn light in her new apartment was on, she still woke up screaming several times every night. Without someone to comfort her, she would eventually manage to cry herself back to sleep, wishing with all her heart Olivia was there with her.

Though there was still physical pain from the injuries caused by her rape, the emotional pain was... well, either nonexistent or unbearable, she couldn't decide which. Sometimes, everything was fine, other times, she would just start crying and would have to struggle not to break down in public. She couldn't stand for anyone to touch her- it felt like her skin was on fire when someone, especially a man, would lay a hand on her. She took in a shaky breath, trying to figure out why she wasn't reacting more then this, in ways someone would expect. With a sigh, Casey closed her eyes and imagined what Olivia would say.

_'You're in shock, Casey. That's why you're reacting like this. It's perfectly okay and I promise, I'll get you through this. I love you so much and I promise, you'll be okay.' _

"Ms. Bell... Ms. Bell!" Casey blinked, then looked around the room to find one of her students waving his hand at her.

Casey swallowed back the rest of her tears and got to her feet, walking unsteadily over to him and wincing with each step. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, almost to herself, before looking down at him and asking, "Yes?"

The kid was pointing out a typo on his test. It was so nonsensical and worthless it made her want to go running all the way back to New York and jump into Olivia's arms- but of course, life doesn't work like that. "Oh," she said, forcing a smile, "you're right... um..."

"Elliot," he prompted sourly.

'Of course'. Casey looked him over, then sighed- he was nothing like _her_ Elliot. He had brown eyes and dressed like a bad boy. Nothing like the Elliot she knew back in New York, who would have assured her that her rape wasn't her fault and that it was all going to be okay several dozen times by now. "Oh. Elliot," she chuckled, which made the boy look at her like she was crazy. Clearing her throat, Casey said, "Class, there's a typo on number ten. When it says 'best answer', answer is spelled A-N-S-W-E-R, not A-N-W-S-E-R." There was a snicker of laughter throughout the room, then silence. Casey just rolled her eyes before making her way slowly back to her desk, her ribs aching with every step.

**New York**

**New Haven Cemetery**

**April 25th**

**12: 00pm**

Olivia watched through the tears as her late girlfriend's casket was lowered into the ground. It was over. This last, perfect, beautiful year of sweet, romantic dates, of light kisses and kind words and warm arms to hold her at night when she was upset and couldn't sleep... it was all over.

She still couldn't believe that Casey was dead, as in not coming back, as in she could never see or talk to her again. Olivia felt Elliot's hand on her shoulder and one of his own tears fall onto her bronze skin, but she wasn't surprised. They had all loved Casey like a sister... but now she was dead and they would never see her again.

Olivia doubled over with a sob and looked around at the people standing her with her. Elliot, Fin, Munch, Cragen- of course. Arthur Branch and some of Casey's friends from the DA's office were here, but Casey was an only child and her parents had been killed in a car accident before she joined SVU. But still, everyone who was here had cared for Casey and wanted Taylor Smith to die for what he did. Olivia knew he would never get the death penalty for just one murder, but it killed her that she would never be able to get justice for Casey... that she would never be able to give her girlfriend peace.

"Come on," Elliot murmured in her ear. "I'll take you home."

Olivia shook her head immediately. "No. No, I don't want to go home." Her voice cracked, and she closed her eyes and struggled not to cry some more at the thought of going to an empty apartment... all alone... no Casey...

"Okay. Its okay. I understand." He wrapped his arms around her gently, then told her softly, "I'll take you to a bar, and we can drown our sorrows in alcohol. How's that sound, huh?" Olivia nodded slightly, relieved at not having to go home quite so soon. "And afterwards, if you're comfortable going home, I'll take you, but if you're not you can stay with me for a couple days. You can take as long as you need to get through this."

Olivia nodded thankfully and clung to him as he led her to his car, struggling to keep her composure and not break down right then and there.

**Casey Novak's Apartment**

**April 26th**

**1:00am**

Olivia woke up with a scream, sitting bolt upright as she looked around the empty room in shock, her heart pounding. God, it was still true... Casey was still gone..." Olivia collapsed back onto the bed with a choked sob, then rolled over and buried her face in the blanket she had wrapped around her sick girlfriend, that fateful day, just a few weeks ago... it smelled just like her... Olivia closed her eyes tightly and, if she worked hard, she could imagine that it was Casey, right there with her, consoling her after a nightmare and telling her it was all right, that she was here and she would never leave her.

When she felt a hand on her shoulder Olivia jumped for joy, thinking it was true, but when she opened her eyes and found Elliot standing there, she just started crying harder. "I miss her," she sobbed, gripping the blanket tighter.

Elliot sighed sympathetically, then lay down next to her and wrapped his strong arms around her, letting her cry into his chest. "I know, Olivia, I know," he said softly. "I do too."

**Los Angeles**

**Olivia Bell's Apartment**

**April 26th**

**1:00am**

"Don't," Casey cried as she curled herself up into an even tighter ball. "Please don't."

No one was even there, but it didn't stop her from being terrified. It didn't stop her from being afraid that Taylor Smith was in her new apartment, that he had found her again and was here to rape her and, this time, kill her. "No, no, no," she sobbed, shaking her head over and over again. She looked down at her body, covered in bruises and cuts and stitches, then crawled on her hands and knees to the bathroom, immediately turning on the hot water for a shower. She wanted to get him _off_ her body, to rid herself of all traces of her rapist. Casey continued to cry as she got into the shower and scrubbed her damaged skin as hard as she could, trying with all her might to get every trace of Taylor Smith left. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, its my fault," she gasped, not even bothering to wipe her tears as the searing hot water and frantic scrubbing opened up several cuts, and streaks of blood started falling down her skin.

God, this was all her fault. She had fought him, that's why it had gotten so bad that night, that's why- it was all her fault... all her fault...

Casey's sobs eventually dwindled down to nothing, and when she finally turned off the water- though she was still not clean, not even close- Casey sat on the edge of the bathtub, looking her damaged skin over and wishing Olivia was here. Whenever she was sick or hurting, Olivia had opened her arms and cradled her gently, letting her fall asleep in her embrace. Olivia's soothing words and her gentle hands had always calmed her and made her feel better.

But now, there was no one.

Please review


	4. Chapter 4

SORRY! We lost internet service and I couldn't update anything! But now I'm back!

Sean: .

Just so you know, the discussions that Casey's students have will often be based on discussions that we had in MY ninth grade English class and my classmates responses. Personally, I found them ignorant and easily offensive to some people- and I know how stuck up that sounds but its true- so I'll be using them in here. I'm just saying this so you know I don't believe any of those views and take offense.

**Chapter 4**

**Los Angeles **

**Glendale High School**

**April 30th**

**8: 30 am**

Casey scrubbed the sleep from her eyes as she kept grading papers while her students worked on group projects. _'I never thought I'd say this, but I miss paperwork'_. Casey chuckled softly at the thought- but, at least when she had been a lawyer, the paperwork was about things that actually mattered! This mess... it was all the same thing, over and over and over- trying to decipher messy handwriting. At least the majority of the '_Speak_' test she had given had been multiple choice, but the last question had been an essay question- one that she really wished had been taken off. Because the question was, 'Was it Melinda's fault that she was raped? Explain.'

In her time as a ADA for the Special Victims Unit, she had learned one basic rule that was true for every case- it is _never_ the rape victims fault, not under any circumstances.

In the book, a girl had gone to a party, the month before her freshman year. She dressed... well, like a hooker. But Casey had worked with many actual hookers who had been raped, and it didn't matter, it still wasn't their fault.

_So_, she thought as she began reading the first kid's answer, _maybe this will be good for me. Maybe it'll help me... maybe it'll be like Olivia's here, telling me it's not my fault_.

How very wrong she was.

The first answer was this: _Melinda went to the party dressed like a whore because she wanted to get a date. If a man saw her dressed like that, well, he should naturally assume that she wants sex. So, yes, it is her fault she was raped. Andy Evans should have listened to her when she told him to stop, but still, dressed the way she did... she was inviting anyone and everyone to have sex with her. And maybe Andy Evans thought she liked rough sex, there was no way he could of known she didn't want it. So, in conclusion, because she dressed like she wanted it, it is her fault she was raped, and the conclusion that Melinda reached at the end of the book- that it wasn't her fault- was false._

Casey stared at the paper in shock, then found herself struggling against the tears coming to her eyes. 'No, no, no, not here, not now, please, god, not now...' Casey swallowed back the upcoming sob and forced herself to put the paper aside. Maybe the other ones were better. Maybe the other answers would be what she wanted- Olivia in disguise, telling her that it wasn't her fault.

By the time Casey finally dragged herself out to her car at the end of the day, she was hanging her head in despair and her heart was heavy with shame. Of course it was her fault. Olivia would tell her differently, but it was her fault. Every single one of those responses she had read all said it was her fault. Every single god damn one. Of course it was all her fault. She had fought back against him, but she should have known it was a bad idea. She aggravated him, she made him rape her. All her fault.

She wasn't crying now. She had just given up. Because Casey couldn't take it. She had been violently raped, and afterwards, all she wanted was Olivia to rush up and be her knight in shining armor, to save her from all the pain and the humiliation and the shame. But she wakes up miles away from her lover with a man there telling her that's all over now, that her past life is gone and everybody thinks she's dead, and it's time to start over. And here, no one comforts her. Everyone tells her its her fault. All her god damn fault.

"Its probably good Olivia thinks I'm dead," she mumbled to herself as she turned the key in her brand new, FBI-purchased car. "She's better off without me." Casey doubled over in tears, gripping the steering wheel so tightly it hurt. "God, I miss her so much!"

And, over and over, she kept seeing those words on paper, written a hundred different ways, its your fault, its your fault, its all your fault...

Well, Olivia wasn't coming back to make all the pain go away. And Casey knew how to make it go away. She'd heard victim after victim describe to her how self-harming took the pain away. How it made them feel better. Before, she had tried to convince them to stop. Now, though... anything to make this stop. Anything.

And when she got home and the doorman greeted her as 'Ms. Bell', it only made her want to hurt herself more.

How was she supposed to heal from a rape that was all her fault? How was she supposed to get better when she couldn't get back to who she was before it, because that person was dead?

She couldn't. And that was perfect. Casey Novak had been raped- but the FBI had given her a new identity. And Olivia Bell wasn't a rape victim.

_'So why are you cutting yourself_?' A cold voice in her head snapped as Casey frantically searched for a knife.

"Because I can," she growled back as she finally forced the blade into her arm. Scarlet blood blossomed out from her pale skin, and it looked beautiful. Nothing else hurt. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

She cut herself deeper, and as more blood flowed, she felt a touch guilty- Olivia would have never, _ever_ wanted her to hurt herself. After a particularly difficult case, where a teenage victim had bled to death from of the cuts she had made, Olivia had made her promise to never hurt herself. Olivia had made her promise that Casey would _always_ come to her, no matter what.

But she couldn't keep that promise. Not now. "I'm Olivia Bell, not Casey Novak," she mumbled aloud, and the fact that Olivia Bell was so close to Olivia Benson made her heart ache again.

It was even worse that Casey knew Olivia's heart would break if she could see her right now. That made her feel like there _was_ something that she should deal with, but Casey couldn't admit that. No, no, no, she hadn't been raped, that was Casey Novak. But the FBI had given her a brand new identity now, and Casey Novak was dead. And just in time, too, just two days after she'd been raped.

So as she sank the knife deeper into her skin, she was laughing and crying at the same time. Laughing because she had sidestepped dealing with being raped, crying because, in her heart, she knew it wasn't true.

**New York**

**Casey Novak's Apartment**

**May 30th **

**9: 00 am**

"Olivia..." Elliot said slowly, passing a tired hands over his eyes. "You have to get everything out of here or it'll be thrown out on the street. Rent's due in two days and the landlord was nice enough letting us stay here for the month..."

"I know," she said, more tears running down her cheeks. But she didn't want to leave. This place... she and Casey had done so much together here. That couch was where they had had their first kiss. It was where they had shared many smiles and laughs as they watched TV and ate dinner together. That bedroom was where they had first made love, where Olivia had often encircled Casey in her arms after a nightmare or Olivia fallen into Casey's embrace after waking up screaming. This is where they had first said 'I love you'.

And now that was all gone.

"Olivia..." Elliot said softly as he approached her. "Anything you want to keep, I'll help you carry it out right now and to your apartment, or if you want to get a new place I'll carry it there. But we only have two days, and..."

"I want to take all of it, Elliot!" Olivia exclaimed, whirling around desperately to face him. She hated that she was crying again, but she couldn't help it. "I want every single last thing here! I want all the memories back, I don't want to forget her! I want to hold her again, I want to kiss her again, I want to talk and laugh with her again- _I want her back_!" By the end she was screaming, pounding her fists furiously on his chest as she kept crying until she was spent.

Elliot, who was, by now, used to these sorts of outbursts, just wrapped his arms around her and let her hide her face in his chest. "Shh," he murmured, rubbing her back comfortingly. "Shh..."

**New York**

**FBI safe house**

**June 1st**

**11: 30am**

"Clear!" Olivia called to Elliot as she lowered her gun after searching through the last room.

"Damn it..." Elliot muttered as he walked forward. "He should be here right now... he must have heard we were coming and bailed."

Olivia nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Well, let's go ahead and start collecting evidence." The two started walking around the room, snapping photographs and putting things in evidence bags, hoping to find something to prove to their _new_ ADA that this was their rapist.

Olivia groaned as she thought of their new ADA, Toni Walker. Annoying, stuck up rookie. Didn't know a damn thing but thought she was the smartest girl on the planet.

Olivia knew she had to be being a _bit_ unfair to Toni- god, she had _hated _Casey at first, after she had replaced Alex. But, honestly, she just couldn't see her ever getting to be good friends with the new ADA... but at least she was short, tan, and brunette. Not tall, pale, and a redhead... not a tall, pale, gorgeous redhead who had taken a hold of her heart and wouldn't let go.

"So..." Elliot said to break the silence. "How did last night go?"

Olivia just groaned again, unwilling to answer his question. Last night had been her first alone in her own apartment, instead of with Elliot in Casey's. Well, with practically all of Casey's stuff in her apartment, she couldn't call it her own anymore.

"Fine," she said coldly without looking up from the papers she was sorting through. "It went

absolutely, positively fine."

"Well, that was convincing," Elliot said as he put down the box he was holding to look up at his partner in concern.

The next few seconds were a whirl of action and blood. Elliot saw the man approaching silently with the gun and whipped out his, and in a hail of gunfire, one detective and one criminal went down, leaving one standing in the aftermath.

"_Olivia_!"

**Los Angeles**

**Olivia Bell's apartment**

**June 1st**

**11: 30 pm**

Casey let her eyes wander over to her computer again, knowing what was calling her, then finally just gave up and practically sprinted for the laptop.

Almost every night, she would go online to New York news sites, looking for any signs of Olivia. She had to know, more then anything else, that she was okay. She had to know that the woman she loved more than anything in the world was okay.

Always, her worries were unfounded. Always, always, always. Never any mention of Olivia in the news. But then she would wonder if perhaps Olivia had been, God forbid, killed, and it just wasn't in the news, and she would sit by the phone and dial half of the precinct's number and just stare at it for hours, never getting the courage to make the call. Because she was terrified of what they would think if they ever found out she was alive- how betrayed they would be, how much it would hurt Olivia, and... and... they couldn't know she was raped. Casey didn't want them to know. They couldn't ever, _ever_ find out. They couldn't ever know her secret shame, her hidden past, because then her life would be over. She wouldn't be able to stand them knowing how weak she'd been... what'd she let happen...

But, the top headline on the website was 'SVU detective injured in shoot out'.

Casey screamed and jolted back from the computer, staring at in horror. All at once, her worst nightmare coming true. No no no no no not Olivia no! _No!_

Casey immediately got up and dashed for her door, knowing what exactly what she had to do. She couldn't care less about Talyor Smith, she wouldn't give a damn about SVU finding out she wasn't dead, she had to know Olivia was alive. She had to know her lover was okay or she wouldn't be able to function.

Unfortunately- or, one could say fortunately- her hopes were immediately dashed when a fierce pain clenched itself in the pit of her stomach. She sank to her knees, letting out a strangled cry through her gritted teeth and clutching her stomach. God, she wanted to keep walking so much, but the pain in her stomach was so bad, it almost made her pass out. "Oh, god," she gasped, pounding her fist on the ground as she let out another scream.

A man rushed from his apartment at the sound of her pained cries, and when he touched her shoulder in an attempt to be comforting, she gave a shout of terror and tried to pull back, but the pain immobilized her. The man mistook it for another cry of pain and left his hand where it was. She felt the familiar hot, prickly sensation begin underneath his hand and start to spread and she had to hold back another shout.

"Ma'am?" he asked, and when she didn't reply he got out his cell phone and said, "Please, just stay calm. I'm calling an ambulance right now."

Please review


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Los Angeles**

**Los Angeles General Hospital**

**June 2nd**

**1: 00 am**

"Good evening, Ms. Bell. How are you feeling?"

Casey shrugged, looking at the doctor as he approached her bed. "Much better, thanks. Now, I really need to get out of here. I'm fine now, honestly."

The doctor smiled as he sat at the foot of her bed and nodded. "You're going to be discharged in a little bit, just as soon as the paperwork gets processed. Now, Ms. Bell, we ran some tests, and the results just got back. The stomach pains were due to some rather high stress levels, and you need to try and avoid stress-causing activities in the near future. Specifically, the next eight months."

Casey frowned in confusion, wondering why on the earth the doctor was smiling. "Eight months? Why? What's wrong with me?" She reached out instinctively to hold Olivia's hand for comfort, then retracted it, remembering that Olivia was in New York and had no idea she was alive. And, right now, Casey had no idea if Olivia was alive.

"Congratulations, Ms. Bell, you're pregnant."

Casey's eyes widened in shock, then horror. "Pre... pre... pregnant? What?" she whispered, struggling to breathe. "Me? I'm... pregnant? Me?" The doctor nodded and smiled again, as if this was the most glorious news in the world, but Casey didn't know if she was thrilled or devastated. She was in shock, she realized, complete and utter shock.

God. Pregnant.

The doctor was still talking, and Casey blinked and forced herself to listen. "...prenatal prescriptions, but that can all be worked out with your gynecologist. Can you give me her name, I can fax her the medical report from today's incident..."

"My gynecologist? Oh, her name's Dr. Zo..." Casey trailed off, biting her lip. Dr. Zorak had been Casey Novak's doctor. But Casey Novak was dead. "Um, you know what, I'm going to move soon anyway and have to get a new doctor, so why go to the trouble?" She chuckled lightly as if she didn't want to either cry or scream, then asked, "Look, before I'm discharged, I just need to make a few phone calls, do you know where the hospital put my clothes and stuff?"

He nodded as got up and headed to the door. "Yes, its just down the hallway. I'll get it for you."

The moment he was gone, Casey stared down at her hands in horror. God, pregnant. She was pregnant with her rapist's child. God.

And then she realized, worse than that, this child would be born with the last name _Bell._ Casey had never even thought about having kids, but this wasn't one scenario she had ever thought possible- bearing her rapist's child while wearing another person's disguise, far away from all the people she loved and cared for.

Abortion?

"God, no," she muttered out loud, shaking her head. _No_, not an abortion, _God no_. Casey blinked, surprised at how opposed she was to the idea. Before, she hadn't really been for it or against it. But just the thought of _killing_ that innocent baby inside her, no matter how twisted or and screwed the events surrounding its conception and birth were and would be... she couldn't.

And that baby could be another Olivia.

The doctor walked back into her room, then, interrupting that last both hopeful and disturbing thought, and handing her a plastic bag with her clothes, watch, and cell phone. Casey thanked him and immediately dug into the bag, knowing she had to call Agent Harris about this new... development... but, first, she had a more important call to make.

Fingers trembling, she dialed the Manhattan SVU's number, praying someone would pick up, praying that their voice would send her back upon a whirlwind of beautiful memories and perfect days and nights spent with the people she loved.

"Detective Munch, Manhattan Special Victim's Unit," a tired voice answered.

"John!" The excited squeal escaped her lips before she could stop it, and she clapped a hand over her brilliant smile, trying not to scream in happiness, just at hearing the voice of one of her best friends for the first time in two months.

"Excuse me?" Munch asked, and Casey had to swallow back a sarcastic response, already yearning to jump back in at their old game and forget the nightmare that was now her life.

Clearing a throat and forcing herself to talk with an accent, Casey asked, "Um, is Detective Benson there? I need to speak with her..."

Munch hesitated, then said in confusion. "Yes, she is. Let me get her for you. Olivia! Over here!"

Casey knew she really should hang up, right now... but she couldn't. Just one word, that's how long she would wait, then she would hang up. Just one word... "Hello?" a husky voice asked, and with it came a million memories of love and peace and happiness, memories that both made her heart ache and swept her off her feet. God, she missed Olivia so much... God, she missed them all so much! "Hello, is someone there?"

Though her heart was begging her to stay on the phone and listen to Olivia, she had achieved her original purpose in calling, and quickly shut the phone with a trembling hand seconds before a sob escaped her lips. Casey allowed herself a moment of temporary release before forcing herself to become Olivia Bell once again. Ninth grade English teacher... soon-to-be single mother...

Still crying silently, Casey managed to dial Agent Harris's number, wanting to scream at somebody for getting her into this mess, and him being the only outlet available. Plus, he had to know about her pregnancy- yet another witness for them to add to their database. A sleepy voice answered, "Agent Harris."

"Um, hello. I'm one of your, ah... I'm one of your..." she hesitated, not wanting to broadcast to the whole hospital that she was in the witness protection program, when she heard a sigh of recognition through the phone.

"Ah, I understand. Go on."

Casey sighed, wiping furiously at her tears as she said, "I'm Ca... Oli... Casey... Olivia Bell? I'm the witne... person you, ah... _helped_ after I was raped by..."

"Yes, yes, I remember. Can you please get on with it, its one in the morning!"

Swallowing nervously, she said slowly, "Well, I'm not exactly sure if you need to know this or not, but... I'm pregnant, and its... _his_."

There was silence, then a gasp. "Oh. _Oh_... listen, I'll be right down to your apartment. Stay where you are, don't move."

"Wait, I'm not-" Casey groaned when Harris hung up on her in the middle of her explanation. Oh well, he would probably call her when he got to her empty apartment, wondering where she was.

But that wasn't the problem. The problem was what the hell was she going to do now?

**New York**

**SVU squad room**

**June 2nd **

**1: 00am**

Olivia frowned, then set the phone back down on Munch's desk and yawned. "Hmm. I wonder what that was about," she said as she walked tiredly back to her desk, groaning as her arm began throbbing again.

"Who was it?" Munch asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he continued to browse through the evidence Elliot and Olivia had collected at the perp's loft.

Olivia shrugged. "Don't know, whoever it was just hung up." She sighed, and scratched at the gauze covering the gunshot wound on her shoulder. "Damn gunshot wound," she muttered under her breath. "Why the hell does being shot hurt so much?"

Munch just laughed as she trudged back to her desk. "You're a cop. You should know what it feels like to get shot."

Olivia glanced at her watch and sighed, shaking her head. "Look, I think I'm going to head on home. You'll be okay to finish up here by yourself?"

He nodded. "Yeah, sure. I think I can let you abandon me for one night- after all, you _did_ get shot." Olivia chuckled and nodded her thanks before leaving the squad room. Munch looked after her for a moment, shaking his head. Ever since Casey's death, there had been something a little... off about her. He could tell she wasn't sleeping, and by the looks of her, her meals had consisted primarily more vodka than anything else. Sometimes, she would go pale for seemingly no reason and her eyes would shimmer with unshed tears before she regained control of herself.

It was clear she was hurting. Casey's death had devastated her in a different way then it had hurt the rest of the squad. They had all loved her, but not like Olivia had. And sometimes, when he looked at her, he wasn't so sure she was ever going to take a chance with someone again. If she would ever be able to date without feeling like she was betraying Casey.

With another sigh, Munch returned to his work, wishing he could do something to help Olivia.

**New York**

**New Haven Cemetery**

**June 2nd**

**1: 30am**

Olivia knelt down before her lover's grave, glad that it was so early in the morning. There was no one else here. She liked it that way, so she could be with Casey alone.

"Oh, Casey," she said sadly, tracing her girlfriend's name emboldened on the tombstone. "I wish you were here right now. Things suck without you, they really do. There's this new ADA, but she's nothing like you, Casey. She's a total bitch... I mean, we hated you when you first came along, but this girl... she's just annoying, Casey. She keeps popping up wanting to go with us for drinks when no one's in the mood and we would never want to go with her anyway, and she doesn't know the first thing about the law. Once, one of our perps didn't plead guilty or not guilty, he plead nolo contendere, and she didn't even know what it meant, she had to ask us."

Olivia smiled slightly and shook her head again. "But its not just that she's a complete idiot...You were good, you actually cared for the victims. She just doesn't, plain and simple. We had a rape victim last week; she withheld information about the fact that it wasn't just a man who raped her, there was also a woman, too. It didn't screw up her god damn court case at all, but she still made us arrest for obstruction. Big surprise, afterwards she changed her mind about testifying and when Walker threatened her with jail, she disappeared and we still don't know where she is."

With another sigh, Olivia started tracing patterns in the dirt, remembering other times they'd had with the new ADA. "I know we didn't like you when you first became our ADA... but you were just inexperienced in sex crimes, and we missed Alex. This new ADA... she's like nothing we've ever seen, Case. We're never ceased to be horrified at each new plan she has to make our lives miserable. And the victims aren't comfortable at all with her; they always come back to me or Elliot after a long talk with her for comfort. And closure rates are down 8%, and you've only been go... I mean, she's only been here about a month. I just... I really wish you here.

"And I know you wouldn't be happy that I got shot. I know I used to get annoyed when you got so protective of me, but, now... well, I kind of miss it. If you were here now, you'd make sure I followed the doctor's orders exactly and tonight you would hold me and use your magical ADA powers to make the pain go away." She sighed, wiping away an errant tear as she stared at Casey's grave.

"Oh, Case. I wish you were alive. I miss you so much."

**Los Angeles**

**Olivia Bell's Apartment**

**June 2nd **

**1: 30 am**

Casey stormed into her apartment, arriving at the same time Agent Harris. The moment the door was shut, she turned on him and shouted, "How the _hell_ is this possible?"

Harris blinked in surprise, then asked slowly, "Um... I don't-"

"I was out for two days after that bastard _raped_ me, you should of made sure I got the morning after pill! How the hell did this happen?" she demanded, glaring at him furiously. Under normal circumstances, she would have been pleased by the fact that she was obviously intimidating him, but now she was too riled up to care.

"Um..." he said nervously. "Well, I did some thinking while I was driving over here, and the hospital in New York must not of taken care of it before I got you transferred to Kansas, and-"

"Isn't it your god damn job to protect me? How could you not make sure I got the morning after pill?" Casey shouted, resisting the urge to strangle the bastard right then and there.

"I didn't think about it at the time, and-"

"And now I'm pregnant! Nice job, Agent Harris! Now, if you don't mind, I want _out_! I want to go back home, screw Taylor Smith! I'm going to get on a plane and go back to New York, because I'm not going to give birth to my baby in this god damn program, and don't even suggest abortion or I will slap your face off."

Harris's eyes widened, then he raised his hands and said quickly, "Wait, wait, Casey, don't do that! We know Smith is somewhere in Connecticut, he won't get out of the state and-"

"Oh, he won't get out of the state, will he? So there's no problem with me going back to New York? Wonderful, I'm on my way." Casey got up and started to leave, but Harris grabbed her wrist and pulled her back, glaring at her.

"Casey, you know it doesn't work like that. But going back to New York now won't change anything. I promise, you'll get to go home, just... not right now. Please, just give us some time," he begged.

Casey hesitated, then grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and snarled in his face, "You know how long I'm giving you? Eight months. Then I am going back to New York with my baby, and nothing you say can convince me otherwise." Harris opened his mouth to reply, but Casey cut him off. "No, Agent Harris, you don't even try to stop me. You and your fancy agents can hide me so well, then you can find Taylor Smith- and I don't care if you can't. If I give birth to this baby and you haven't found him yet, I'm going back home." She glared at him for another second, then tossed open the door and practically threw him out. "And stay out _Olivia Bell's _ apartment," she sneered before slamming the door in his face.

Casey remained standing in the middle of the empty room for a second, then hung her head and trudged slowly back to the bedroom. God, pregnant. God.

Please review


	6. Chapter 6

Warning, everybody- I may or may not have a Trojan Horse virus, and if I do, I won't be able to update until I've gotten rid of it. Sorry

dove in love: This is the bonus chapter I mentioned!

**Chapter 6**

**Los Angeles **

**Olivia Bell's apartment**

**June 9****th**

**8:00pm**

"Well," Casey muttered to herself as she turned off the TV and lay her head back on the pillows. "Here I am. Yay for me." Casey raised her glass of water in a toast to herself before swallowing the whole thing in one gulp. Not really dramatic, considering it was water, but she was pregnant, so she couldn't drink.

She'd been aware of her pregnancy for a whole week. And she had gone from being depressed to being downright terrified.

Casey knew, without a doubt, that getting an abortion would destroy her. Not just because it meant killing her own baby, but because Olivia's mother hadn't gotten an abortion. If she killed her baby, it would be like she was killing Olivia. And Olivia's mother had been an abusive alcoholic… without anyone from her old life there to stop it… Casey was scared to death that she would turn into that- and she would _never_ allow herself to abuse any child of her own.

And aside from the fact that she was terrified of becoming an abusive mother, Casey also knew that she didn't want to give birth to a child in witness protection. Before the kid could even walk and talk, her baby would be living a lie. And moving all the time, always a new name, a new story… with her father's job, Casey had often been forced to move when she was a kid, and she had hated it. And she hadn't adopted a completely new façade every time she moved… she didn't want to put her baby through that.

But if abortion wasn't an option… adoption, then? Casey shuddered at that thought of just giving up her baby, but it was better then killing the baby or raising it in a lie, with an abusive mother and an absent rapist father.

Aside from that messy issue which she had made no progress whatsoever, Casey had already made a promise to herself: if she was going to keep this baby, she _had_ to deal with her rape.

Of course, if Olivia was here, she would say that dealing with it wasn't optional, that she had to do it no matter what. "No, I don't," Casey muttered out loud. "_Casey Novak_ was raped. But I'm not Casey Novak."

Casey groaned, shaking her head. No matter what she said out loud, no matter what she tried to make herself believe, it was impossible to deny that she was in a place between depression and insanity. Depression because she found herself crying herself to sleep every night after nightmares, because she took multiple showers almost every day and never felt clean and sobbed when she cut herself. Insanity because, while she cut herself and sobbed, she also laughed hysterically, for little to no reason at all.

Casey attention was drawn to the newspaper sitting next to her on the couch and sighed at the main headline- 'LA celebrity beaten and raped'- then immediately started rubbing her wrists, trying to get all traces of her rapist _off_. It didn't work and she immediately got up and headed back to her shower, for her third shower of the night. "I'm sorry," she mumbled under her breath as she got the water running, wanting it as hot as possible without burning herself. It never made any difference or not, but the hot water had to make her cleaner than cold water, right?

Ignoring all that, Casey was now battling urges to just go out to some random club and take anyone home, man or woman- even though she was strictly gay- and have sex with them. She wanted it desperately, wanted something to make herself clean, to make herself feel loved again, and sometimes she felt like if she had sex with someone, anyone at all, things would get better.

God, yes, she wanted help with this. She wanted it to stop hurting. But who the hell could she ask? Casey had made absolutely no friends down in LA. Her students were all almost twenty years younger than her, her fellow teachers were all older than her and spent their time discussing the most recent school board meeting- and besides, Casey didn't want anybody to start caring about Olivia Bell. She hated Olivia Bell, and besides, when she went home, it would be better not to leave any loose ends.

But then, who could she ask for any help? If she told the truth to anybody at all, it could end up being a trap and before she knew it, Taylor Smith would be back, and this time, Casey doubted he would leave her alive.

Well, now she was stuck. Casey scrubbed her skin harder, smiling when it opened up one of the fresher cuts on her arms and her blood started running down her pale skin, turning the water pink. She chuckled softly while she stroked her baby bump, then sighed. Yeah, who was she kidding? She couldn't give birth to a child, not like this. What the hell kind of a mother would she make, anyway? Yes, she loved her baby, but she couldn't be a mother, not like this.

**Los Angeles**

**Glendale High School**

**June 10****th**

**9:00pm**

Casey looked around her classroom at the kids sentenced to summer school, then sighed unhappily. These ones were so much worse then her regular students- it was obvious that they'd rather be dying of starvation in the Sahara than here. That was, if these idiots even knew where the Sahara was. So far, she had explained the meaning of the word 'solid' and why it had absolutely nothing to do with 'unhappy', that 5 times 6 was 30 and not 60, and that no, lines a single line could not be an oblique shape*. Sometimes she wondered how these kids had even made it into high school; surely they should have failed out by now if they were as stupid as they appeared to be.

She groaned again once she felt the now familiar nausea and announced abruptly, "I'll be right back," before rushing out of her classroom to the nearest bathroom to throw up. Her students were, by now, used to her morning sickness- even though Casey was only now aware that it was morning sickness, they wouldn't be concerned, even if they cared about her at all.

Once she was done, Casey popped a breath mint into her mouth and wiped her face clean and was about to head back to class when she heard a very familiar voice out in the hallway ask, "Excuse me, can you tell me where Ms. Bell's classroom is?"

Oh, god, it was Fin.

Casey immediately poked her head out into the hallway, in case she was imagining things, but sure enough, Fin and Munch were standing out in the hall, talking with another teacher, who gave them directions to her classroom.

Fin and Munch would recognize her. There was no way blonde hair would fool them; they'd known her for three years. And, besides the fact that they would know she had lied to them and probably hate her for it, they would tell Olivia.

Thinking quickly, Casey immediately dashed out to her car, resting a protective hand on her abdomen, already calling the main office. "Hello, this is Olivia Bell, I have to leave school, I, uh… there's complications with my pregnancy," she improvised quickly, praying they would buy it.

When the very bored and unhappy secretary told her it was okay, she added on, "And there are a couple detectives here to see me, can you just give them my cell phone number please?"

Once she could, Casey hung up, then leaned her head back against the seat in exhaustion, trying not to panic. God, what the _hell_ were Munch and Fin doing down here? Did they know who she was? That had to be it, there was no way they were on a case. Absolutely no way.

Casey had only been waiting fifteen minutes when her cell phone rang and Fin's number flashed across the screen. With a smile, she answered it, forcing an accent into her voice. "Hello?" she said in her best sick voice while still trying to sound European.

"Hello, this is Detective Tutuola, is this Olivia Bell?"

Once again, Fin's voice tormented her, sending her back along memory lane to when her life had not been so hellishly complicated. She and Fin had always been the first to dance together when they got drunk enough, at least before she started dating Olivia. After she'd been there for a bit over a year, he'd started becoming protective of her, in an older brother sort of way that actually was rather touching… yeah, she missed him too. "Yes, this is Olivia Bell," she said, trying not to break down and explain everything right then and there. "What do you need?"

"Well, I'm just calling to ask about a student of yours several months ago, Samantha Hartford- did you notice any strange behavior, anything indicating sexual abuse?"

Casey gasped and almost gave her true identity right then and there. God, she remembered her! Casey had, in fact, thought she was being abused… but it was just a hunch, and Casey had thought it was just her experience in sex crimes. She had told herself, '_Not every child is being raped or abused, Casey. Stop thinking like an ADA; that life is over now.'_

Well, she must have been wrong. Why else would SVU be calling her?

"Um, yeah, yeah, I did- why, did something happen?" she asked, rather unconvincingly, remembering now that Sam had moved to New York after the school year had ended.

"Well," Fin said, and Casey smiled again once she heard his voice, "she was being abused by her step-father, and she said it started right after she got her new English teacher. What kind of signs did you notice?"

Casey swallowed, knowing this was dangerous territory. If she gave good enough evidence, the detectives would want to talk to her face to face. If she didn't give good enough evidence, then it could hurt the case against Sam's rapist…

Casey sighed, then shook her head. She may be a temporary English teacher, but her heart was still in prosecuting sex crimes. And she wasn't going to let a rapist go free just because she was scared SVU would find out she was alive.

"Well, she was distracted and had trouble concentrating. She would fall asleep in class a lot and lost her friends; the other students talked like she was a depressed, crazy person or something. If anyone tried to touch her she would freak out, and after about month she started coming to school late and skipping class… she may have been cutting herself, I'm not sure, and-"

"Okay, that's a lot of evidence," Fin said with a slight chuckle. "Convincing… look, I'll get back to you soon; you may have to testify in the trial."

However much Casey might want to return to New York and see her friends, she knew this was too dangerous. "Oh, no, testify? I'm sorry, I really can't-"

"Ms. Bell, nothing is certain yet. I'll get back to you on… wait… did you just speak in an American accent?"

Casey blinked, shocked. In her hurry, she'd forgotten her English accent. "Um, what? No, I'm sorry, I-"

"Yes, you did! …look, I'm sorry, ma'am, but about testifying-" Casey just hung up, knowing that staying on the phone to listen to Fin's voice any longer was a ridiculously stupid idea in case she said something wrong.

Casey groaned loudly, then pulled out her cell phone to once again call Agent Harris.

Oh, god, what had she done?

**New York **

**SVU squad room**

**June 12****th**

**4:00pm**

Cragen came out of his office and looked around at his detectives, then said sourly, "Olivia Bell is off limits. You can't try to contact her again and we certainly can't use her testimony."

The detectives looked at each other in confusion, then Elliot asked, "Well… why? It gives good evidence for when the abuse started! We talked to her other teachers, they all said similar things to Bell, but no one noticed as much as she did. We need her testimony to prove the abuse has been going on for three months, we can't just use Sam's and-"

"Elliot, I know," Cragen said tiredly. "I just got a call from the DA, who also took care of telling our ADA- he said Olivia Bell in any way, shape, or form is not allowed, and that the reasons why are above our pay grade."

"Wait a minute," Olivia said, getting to her feet and starting to pace around the squad room. "What exactly is more important then the rape and molestation of a fourteen year old? If this is some kind of weird undercover CIA or FBI op, this would actually help sell her cover. Did the DA say anything else, Captain?"

Cragen just shook his head. "No, and I'm forbidding you from investigating any further. A call from that high up the food chain means we stumbled onto something being orchestrated by the powers that be, and I'd rather not having CIA or some other agency getting mad at us. And when I say us, I mean me. So leave it alone, detectives." With that, he retreated back into his office, leaving the detectives staring after him in confusion.

You people know the things I mentioned Casey had to teach her students in the beginning of scene two? Well… those were all things freshmen didn't know at my school- an ACADEMIC MAGNET. Actually, I lied. Sopohmores were the ones that didn't know what 5 times 6 equaled and that 'oblique' doe not describe a single line, especially when the choices are 'vertical' and 'horizontal'. Says a lot about the American educational system, doesn't it?

Please review


	7. Chapter 7

karenina bubo: Heh heh… heh… heh… yeah, um… well, this entire story was already prewritten, but… well… I could do something about babies in the sequel?

You people are lucky I'd already typed the whole thing or it would have taken me forever to get this up- by brother cut the pad of the middle finger on my left hand so now it takes forever to type anything. Just because I find the edge of a serrated knife ticklish does NOT mean he has to use it against me! By the way, I'm, once again, taking the abortion discussions from a couple unofficial ones we had in studyhall before the middle school kids invaded and took over. -_-

Sean: That's not even how you spell his name. It's not 'Cooja', it's 'Kujo'. So… how are you doing, Cuddle Buddy? And I'll say it before you can- NOW!

**Chapter 7**

**Three months later**

**Los Angeles**

**Glendale High School**

**September 15th**

**8: 30am**

"Now, we are going to talk about abortions," Casey said as she leaned back against the whiteboard, resting a hand on her baby bump affectionately. Her class glanced up at the word abortion and all her students looked pointedly at her large stomach. She chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I know, I'm very obviously pregnant, it doesn't mean I can run a discussion on abortion without being biased. Anyways, you'll be the ones doing the discussing, I'll just be here to make sure it doesn't get out of hand... George, you start us off. Pro or anit abortion, and why."

One her favorite students- perhaps because he was Asian and his name was George, so he always made her think of George Huang- said, "Definitely pro. I mean, its the woman's choice whether or not to terminate, and if she doesn't feel like its murder, then she should be allowed to end her own pregnancy."

"But that's stupid!" Cut in a student that Casey really didn't like, Alice Hartford. "Abortion is murder! No one should be allowed to kill anyone, especially their own baby!"

Casey, always the lawyer instead of a teacher, raised a finger and said, "Technically, Alice, abortion isn't murder. Until the fetus can survive outside of the womb, it is not considered a person. In accordance of Paragraph 8, Subsection B of the 27th Amendment, if the baby has not taken at least one breath by his or herself, it is considered a fetus and not a person, thus, it is not murder. As the long as the baby can not survive outside the womb, it's legal, You know, I once had a case where..." Casey trailed off when she remembered that she wasn't a lawyer anymore- that no one could know she had even used to be a lawyer. Her students were all staring at her in confusion, and she cleared her throat and improvised quickly, "I had to write an essay on abortion in college. Anyways, Alice, George, continue on."

Casey listened dully while thinking back to what Agent Harris had said. Legally, he hadn't been able to force her to get an abortion, though he had strongly advised it. Casey, on the other hand... the thought of _killing_ her _baby_... god, to do that would have killed her. She hadn't been able to do it. It hadn't mattered that it was her rapist's child. It hadn't mattered that Casey might never be able to tell her baby that Olivia Bell wasn't her real name. She already loved that child and would do anything to keep it...

Now, of course, it didn't matter. She was 5 months pregnant- it would be illegal for her to get an abortion now. And after she gotten the ultrasound and heard her little girl's heartbeat? No. No way in hell would she have managed that.

And she still hadn't even dealt with her rape. In fact, today was one of the few days when she was even willing to admit she did have to deal with it. And it was on days like this that she really got depressed, because it was quite obvious that she had gotten nowhere at all. At night, she slept with every light on and curled up next to a baseball bat and was only able to get to sleep after hours of worthless contemplation, and then would find herself screaming into reality several times in the early hours before morning. She still cut herself, and frankly, Casey saw nothing wrong with it. The sight of the blood and the aching pain always calmed her without fail.

Flashbacks could be caused by the littlest things, like her students joking about rape. One second she would be all smiles, the next, fighting tears. Having a flashback once or twice every day wasn't uncommon, and things had gotten so bad she had learned how to control them and breathe and work through the ensuing panic.

By now, she had still tried, in fits of rage, to convince herself that the rape wasn't her fault... but the answers to that very question her students had given her months ago kept flashing before her eyes. It didn't help that, during lunch, she had many yells of, 'It's not rape if it's Sara!' or, 'Look at the skirt, the kid's just asking to be raped!' She still daydreamed about Olivia coming to make it all better... but she knew better then to expect it to come true. Olivia had probably moved on by now...

Meanwhile, the abortion discussion was still going on. Alice was saying, "But the woman shouldn't have acted like a whore and gotten pregnant if she didn't want a child!"

"Alice!" Casey exclaimed, once again battling emotions with her own rape and pregnancy as she scolded the teenager. "You can talk like that at home, but don't talk like that in this classroom or I _will_ give you detention." Her eyes flashed dangerously, and she wanted to punch the little sneering bitch in the face. "Another outburst like that and I _will_ send you out of class," she snapped, sounding rather like Elizabeth Donnelly when she threatened to throw Casey in a jail cell countless times for her refusal to put up with the defense and their ridiculous motions...

But that was all a part of her past days as a lawyer. And those days were over.

Eric, another one of the students pro-abortion, cut in and said, "Alice, maybe something happened like a woman's husband died or something and she wouldn't be able to support a kid."

Alice shrugged and said simply, "Its still her fault she got pregnant, no matter what. If she can't take responsibility of her own body enough to deprive herself the pleasures of sex, then she shouldn't be allowed to just take an easy out and get an abortion, AKA kill her own child."

Needless to say, the rest of the day wasn't easy for Casey.

Once again, someone telling her it was her fault she was raped. The rape was her fault, it was as simple as that. And she still knew that getting an abortion would of destroyed her, but… that shouldn't have mattered. Casey looked down at the many scars on her arms, she felt the utter exhaustion brought on by her sleepless nights, she barely ate anymore and every time she got compromised, she would have to keep moving... that wasn't fair, to put a child in an environment like that.

But Casey knew that to kill her child would have killed her. She would of been a mess for weeks, but she should of ignored that and still gone through with it... because it was going to be worse for her child to grow up like that. A worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being as a mother, a rapist for an absent father, always moving around, living one lie after another...

She couldn't, in good conscience, let her own child live like that.

But letting someone else adopt her baby would kill her. But that shouldn't matter. She loved her daughter and wanted her to have a better life then Casey could give her, even if it meant putting herself through absolute hell.

So, lost and confused, Casey finally stumbled out to her car at the end of the day, resting a hand on her stomach. Her stomach that was starting to hurt quite alot to the point of making her scream, but she waited until she had made into the car to do so. It was too late in her pregnancy to get an abortion anyway, why bother wondering about it? Casey began crying as she started to drive, but not to her apartment. She didn't know where she was headed off too and she didn't care. She just wanted to get away, if only for a little, to not be Olivia Bell or Casey Novak. Just to be some nameless person, without an identity or a purpose, without all these impossible problems to deal with.

Casey had no idea how long she'd been driving, her vision mostly obscured by tears, her mind clouded by agonized thoughts and the now excruciating pain in her stomach that made her think she had lost the baby. One look at her enlarged stomach made her lose all control completely. She doubled over, just fighting for every breath, not even caring that the car was still in motion.

Of course, the fact that she didn't care didn't stop it from crashing into a tree.

**New York**

**Mulligan's Bar**

**September 15th**

**11:30pm**

"Happy birthday, Abbie," Olivia slurred as she clapped a hand on her equally drunk friend's back. "You're turning... 15... 14... woah, doing bad," she mumbled as she almost collapsed out of the chair.

Serena Southerlyn, not nearly as drunk as Abbie and Olivia, saved her from falling flat on her face. "Aw, poor Livvie," she said with a smirk- Olivia only let other people call her Livvie when she was completely out of it. "She's drunk."

"'M not drunk..." she mumbled, leaning her head on Serena's shoulder. "Just tired... oops... I'm out." Olivia slumped forward onto the bar and closed her eyes sleepily, though she was still conscious.

"Ser!" a young blonde woman called as she jogged over to them. "Serena, hi! What are you doing here?"

Serena glanced back to see her ex-girlfriend Tami standing before her. "Oh, Tami! Hey. I'm celebrating my friend's birthday. Say hello to the birthday girl." She nodded at Abbie, who was currently struggling to focus on Serena.

"Ser, stop moving the room, that's not funny!" Abbie exclaimed, glaring blearily at her.

"Sereeeeeeeeeeeeena! Come on!" Serena chuckled, nudging Olivia. "Hey Livvie! Wake up, Liv, wake up!"

Olivia opened her eyes sleepily and grinned. "Hello, love," she said as a generic term for everybody in the room.

Tami looked down at the brunette and grinned. "Oh, darling, aren't you a cute one? We should go on a date tomorrow, when you aren't so smashed. I'll meet you at Antonio's, that fancy Italian place, tomorrow at 8. And since I know you're drunk and won't remember, Ser here is gonna tell you about it when you sober up. See you tomorrow, sweetie!" When Olivia threw up on the floor, Tami bit her lip, then said quickly, "Um, better make that, see you in two days. I think you'll still be pretty hungover tomorrow."

"Oh, no, Tami, I don't think you should-" Serena started as Tami left, but it was too late, her ex-girlfriend was gone. She looked down at Olivia with a sigh, knowing the detective hadn't gone a date since Casey died. In fact, she was pretty sure Olivia had given up all hope of moving on. And, if she was able, the decision should have been made sober, not drunk- in fact, Olivia hadn't even made the decision at all, Tami had made it for her.

Serena was going to tell Olivia about the date when she was sober, but still, she was worried about the detective, whether or not she went to meet Tami. Especially if she did and the date didn't go well.

**New York **

**Elliot Stabler's apartment**

**September 16th**

**5: 45pm**

Olivia paced around Elliot's apartment frantically, running a hand through her short hair as she tried to figure out a way to get out of this date. "God, Elliot, I'm such an idiot," she said as bit her lip, still racking her mind for excuses like 'I have to work' or 'I'm sick', anything other than actually going on the date.

"You were passed out drunk," he said comfortingly from his spot on the couch. "You couldn't have done anything to stop it."

Olivia just shook her head unhappily and rolled her eyes. "El, I'm not going on this date! I can't! I'm not going to betray Casey like that; god, it's only been five months..." She felt the familiar pang in her heart stemming from how much she missed the gorgeous redhead, but swallowed back her emotions and kept talking. "I'm not going to go on a date with somebody I barely even know just so Serena doesn't get mad at me."

"Liv..." Elliot said patiently, watching as she whipped around and continued her frantic pacing. "Look... I'm not saying you have to enjoy it. I'm not saying you have to like Tami. But I think you should go on this date."

Olivia froze and whirled around to stare at him. "Wha... what? Elliot... no, no, I can't, Casey-"

"Is dead, Olivia." He stood up and walked forward to his devastated partner and took her hands in his. "Olivia, I know how much you loved her, really, _really _loved her. But she's dead. And I'm not expecting Tami to replace Casey- but I do hope she'll make you realize that its okay for you to try to find someone else. It's what Casey would want. She wouldn't want you to remain single and sad forever, in love with a ghost. Olivia... I'm not saying that you're going to stop loving her, ever. But you can still find happiness with someone else. Tami may or may not be the one, I don't know, but you have to try, Olivia..." At her hurt and betrayed look, Elliot said softly, "Liv, I loved Casey too... not like you did, and still do, of course, but I still did. And I know she wouldn't want you to remain faithful with a ghost. She would want you to be happy, Liv. I want you to be happy. So take a chance. Go on this date with Tami. See if you can find happiness."

Olivia looked away as tears brimmed in her eyes. She didn't _want _to take a chance with someone else. She had already found her someone. It didn't matter that she wasn't coming back.

Olivia was never coming to stop loving her and wasn't going to cheat on her with somebody else.

Elliot brushed away her tears and asked, "Please, Olivia? I promise, if you don't like her, you

don't have to go on another date with her again... hell, think of it just like dinner between friends. We have dinner sometimes, right?" Olivia nodded slightly, and he smiled. "Yeah. So first, see if you can be friends with her. We can talk about dating another night."

**Los Angeles**

**Los Angeles General Hospital**

**September 16th**

**8:30pm**

Casey moaned groggily as she felt something tugging on her arm. The dull pain was more annoying than uncomfortable, but it still made her stay conscious instead of letting sleep claim her again. She struggled for another minute or so to open her eyes, and when she did, she found herself looking into an unrecognizable man's face.

Immediately, the beginnings of fear began to pulse through her system and she opened her mouth to scream before the man leaned back and allowed her to get a look at where she was- a hospital room, with... god damn it, Agent Harris sitting in the corner. She looked around in confusion, her eyes settling on the man- who looked like he was a doctor. "Wha... where..." she trailed off, blinking blearily.

The doctor smiled in satisfaction, sitting on the edge of her bed. "Welcome back. How do you feel?"

"Like I was hit by a Mac truck," she muttered, running a shaky hand through her hair. "What happened? Wait... no... I was in a car crash, right?" she asked, looking back at the doctor.

He nodded. "Yes, yesterday evening. I just gave you some drugs to wake you up now, at Agent Harris's insistence," he said, nodding at the FBI agent in the corner, who nodded at Casey and smiled. "He said you had somewhere important to be tomorrow and that you had to be up on your feet as soon as possible. Now, the crash broke your leg, so you'll be in a cast and crutches for about a month, but aside from a few stitches and a cracked rib, you're fine. Well, um... except for one thing." Casey swallowed nervously, watching as the doctor looked away for a moment before he started off comfortingly, "Ma'am... you lost the baby. It wasn't due to the crash, you miscarried before it, we think because of stress levels. I'm so sorry, we tried to save it, but... well... we couldn't. I'm sorry, Ms. Novak."

Casey stared at him in horror as he got up to leave, but then, in a desperate attempt to deny the terrible news she had just received, something he had said made her realize... "Wait! Doctor!" she exclaimed as he reached the door. He turned and looked back at her sympathetically, pity clear on his face. "Did you... did you just call me 'Ms. _Novak_?" He hesitated, clearly confused, then nodded.

The doctor left when there was no explanation forthcoming, and she turned immediately to Agent Harris. "Well?" she demanded. "He knew my name... does that mean... am I...?"

Agent Harris nodded and smiled. "Yes, Casey. The FBI picked up Taylor Smith on a drug charge yesterday. There was a shoot out on the way to the precinct, completely unrelated to Smith himself- he died. You're free to come home, Casey, back to New York. And I did some digging for you about your job- your replacement is more than willing to transfer back to White Collar, so you'll get your old job back. Everything will be back to normal."

Yes... normal... without her baby... without the baby she had loved... even though she hadn't been able to bear to bring it into existence... she was raped and it was all her fault. She lost her baby and it was all her fault. Olivia was going to hate her when she found out, so she'd lose her girlfriend.

She'd lost everything. Everything.

_But, call me selfish, I'm excited to go home._ And she was. Very excited. Casey was unable to stop a wide smile from spreading across her face as thanked Harris over and over, tears in her eyes, both mourning her unborn baby and thrilled that she was at last going home.

**A plane somewhere over the US**

**September 17th**

**5:00pm**

Casey leaned her head back against the seat and took another one of the pain killers the hospital had given her, sighing in displeasure.

After being released this morning, Casey had limped along to the airport with Agent Harris. She'd had nothing worth keeping at Olivia Bell's apartment. Say goodbye to her students? Yeah, right. Say goodbye to anyone else? Yeah, who?

While she was ecstatic about coming home... Casey was worried. Over the past few months, she had become increasingly interested in sex with... well, anyone. She had known she wasn't ready and besides, she didn't want to cheat on Olivia- so she hadn't had sex- but she found herself being attracted to anyone, not just women, but men, too. She wanted someone to have sex with her, to get all traces of Taylor Smith _off_ of her, to make her clean again... to feel loved again. But every time, she had been stopped by two things- she'd be cheating on Olivia, and Olivia Bell was already clean. She couldn't be a rape victim or her brilliant shield of denial would break and the heart-wrenching pain would come crashing down again.

But now that she was going back to New York, she would be Casey Novak again, and the pain would come back. So she had to get clean. And having sex with someone she trusted was perfect- it would be proof that, despite everything being her fault, she was still lovable. She would feel loved and clean. And that's all she wanted- was to be loved again. God, god, please, she wanted to feel loved again. She looked over the people on the plane, feeling herself attracted to each one, but shook her head vehemently. No, not yet. Not yet.

Soon.

Casey absently ran her hand over her stomach... her flat stomach... god, her baby, dead, gone, forever... she had killed her baby. Olivia was going to hate her. God, everyone was going to hate her. She had killed her own child because she was a selfish little bitch. Casey looked at the scars on her arms and wanted to cut herself again, but restrained herself. That release could wait. First, though...

Her flight got into New York at midnight, eastern time. She was going to go to the squad room. If Olivia was there... well, she'd probably start bawling and collapse into her arms... but she wanted to have sex with her. A voice in the back of her head told her she was dangerously close to losing it, that, before, sex had been the least important part of a relationship to her, but now she didn't give a damn. All she wanted was to feel loved again... , god, that was all she wanted... please...

And yes, all that legal stuff I wrote about abortion? Well, in case you couldn't tell, I made it up on the spot. :D Please review


	8. Chapter 8

karenina bubo: Yeah, I could probably work that stuff into the sequel. I'd already written the first couple chapters before I heard about the gay marriages act in New York, but I can probably still make it work ;)

**Chapter 8**

**New York**

**Antonio's**

**September 17th**

**8:00pm**

Olivia took a deep breath before she stepped inside the restaurant and whispered, "Casey, I'll always love you," then headed inside like she was off to war.

Tami was waiting for her by the door. "Hey there!" Tami said and smiled at her. "I already got us a table, come on." She gestured for Olivia to follow as she walked over to a table, and Olivia was already comparing this to her first date with Casey. Yeah, she preferred Casey. Definitely.

Olivia was just about to turn around and walk back outside, already hating herself for betraying Casey, when their waiter came up and asked for their drink orders. Olivia hesitated, then decided to take Elliot's advice and stay. He already said he would pick her up afterward and take her home, stay with her if need be... and one date couldn't hurt. Right?

It was actually quite a good first date. Nothing compared to the sweet, romantic evening she had shared with Casey, but still, not bad at all... at least, until, Olivia stood up to go, even though it was ten minutes before Elliot was supposed to pick her up. "So?" Tami asked. "Your place or mine?"

Olivia blinked, then said, "Um... I'm sorry, but I was planning on going home separately... you know, not together."

Tami laughed and rolled her eyes, then kissed her on the lips. A very shocked Olivia pulled back as Tami chuckled and said, "Oh, come on, that's no fun! Come on, come home with me, it could be so good! And god, you look good in that dress..."

Olivia shook her head furiously and backed up. "No, no, no, I do _not_ want to have sex with you. Please, let's just leave this how it was and maybe meet up some other time." Tami kissed her again, but when Olivia pulled back forcefully and shouted, "_No_, Tami!" the woman crossed her arms and huffed in anger.

"Oh, come on, baby. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun!" Tami kissed her again and Olivia, already hating herself for her horrible mistake, slapped her in the face then ran out of the restaurant into the night.

**SVU Squad room**

**September 18th**

**12: 15am**

Olivia wasn't in the squad room. Elliot was.

But Casey didn't care. She was past the point of caring now. She had gone so long without someone loving her, so long without someone telling her it wasn't her fault and it was going to be okay, that she didn't care. She wanted to feel clean and loved again. She wanted to stop feeling this pain all the time and wanted someone to make her clean.

Elliot. She trusted him. He wouldn't cause a flashback. And he knew her before she screwed up so badly. If he could forgive her and love her again, perhaps she could feel loved, for the first time in almost six months. Perhaps she could become clean again.

So Casey swung into the squad room on her crutches, staring at Elliot as he paced back in forth in what looked like worry. He didn't look up, though he had probably heard her. And as happy as she was to be home, as thrilled as she was to see him... she knew that he was going to have to know the truth about her rape. And it killed her. Knowing about her sins with her baby would kill her again, but first, she wanted peace, and he could give it to her.

And so, the first words to one of her best friends in a reunion she had imagined thousands of times, were not, 'hey, Elliot,' but, "Have sex with me, Elliot."

The detective stopped pacing and looked over to her, then stared in shock at the ghost standing before him. Casey limped forward again, green eyes wide and demanding. "Make love to me," she pleaded, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and letting her crutches fall to the floor. When she almost collapsed, Elliot caught her by reflex, his eyes still wide as he looked down at her in complete amazement.

"Ca- Casey?' he stuttered. "But... you... dead... explosion... funeral..." he gasped, unable to string his words together into an understandable sentence.

And while Casey's desire for sex was strong, so was her desire for comfort. And he was already holding her upright, so it was a simple matter to believe that maybe he wasn't totally disgusted by her, that if she told him the truth, he would still love her. "Witness... witness protection... Elliot, I'm so sorry, they wouldn't let me say goodbye... I'm sorry..."

"Wi... witness protection?" he stammered, shaking his head blearily like he was trying to clear it. "But... Smith... he escaped, and you... you..."

"He's dead, El," she whispered, shaking her head, tears falling down her cheeks now. "He's gone. I'm home."

Elliot continued to stare at her in shock for a moment, then whispered, "You're... alive? Alive? Oh, god, Casey... Casey!" he wrapped his arms tightly around her, crushing her to his chest, and... it was so sweet... god, the burning sensation, it wasn't there! A man was touching her and it didn't hurt! Oh, god, this was the most beautiful thing she had ever felt.

"Elliot," she whispered in relief, so glad that she could finally feel her friend's arms wrapped around her and not wake up screaming for her old life. She wrapped her arms around him, still letting him support her.

Elliot squeezed her again before sitting down on his desk chair and putting her on his lap, his face so innocent and happy that she couldn't bear to tell him the rest. "Oh, Casey, I can't believe this! You're back, you're actually alive! And god, you just wait until Olivia sees you, she's been a wreck ever since you died, Case, but god, you didn't die, I just can't... Case?" he asked in confusion as she started to cry and lowered her face in shame. "Casey? What's wrong?"

"She can't know... El, she's going to hate me... I can't tell her, El, god, she'll be devastated..." Casey buried her head in her hands and sobbed again, trembling violently.

Elliot stared at her in surprise, still in shock from the fact that she was really alive, really back home, wrapped a hesitant arm around her shaking shoulders and asked softly, "Casey... she knows it wasn't your fault you had to leave, Smith was going to kill you..." he trailed off in confusion as Casey shook her head again and cried harder.

"No," she choked out. "That wasn't it! That's not why... god, El... she'll never forgive me for what I did."

"Casey, its okay. I'm sure whatever you did, she'll forgive. It'll be okay," he started, but Casey cut him off with a furious scream.

"No, Elliot, it won't! It hasn't been okay ever since I woke up in my apartment and _he_ was there! And she'll never forgive me for _killing_ my baby! It could have grown up to be another Olivia! But now my little girl's dead and it's all my fault..." she sobbed again, feeling the raw pain emanating from her torso and wishing more then anything she could escape from it.

Elliot hadn't thought he could be more shocked, but apparently he was wrong. "Case... Casey, you were... pregnant? What?" Casey nodded and sobbed again, hiding her face in shame. "And... killed? You got an abortion?"

"No," she sobbed. "No, I couldn't. But I... my students said it was my fault... that I asked for him to... to rape me... god, El, Smith... that's why I left! That's the real reason I went into witness protection, Elliot! Smith almost beat me to death and he ra... he ra... he raped me, Elliot." She looked up at him, eyes wide and tearful and begging for his help.

Elliot stared down at her in horror, and Casey crumbled after a moment, doubling over and hiding her face in her hands once again. After a moment, Elliot immediately wrapped around his arms around the broken woman in his lap and pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her forehead and squeezing her tight. He felt Casey's head coming to rest on his shoulder as he cried harder and he stroked her hair, remembering that it used to comfort her. Casey wrapped a trembling arm around his neck and buried her head in his shoulder, feeling her body shake with the force of her sobs.

God, he couldn't even believe the woman in his arms was alive, and now this? He still remembered finding out she was dead, going to her funeral, wiping Olivia's many tears every time she cried for a dead Casey. And now he was finding out she was alive? And a rape victim? _And _she had been _pregnant_? This was just too much to process all at once.

Elliot kept his arms around her, frowning when he caught sight of many scars and half-healed cuts on her arms. She felt weightless in his arms and he could tell she hadn't been eating, and by the dark circles under her eyes it was obvious she hadn't been sleeping. He remembered the crutches and loosened his hold slightly, afraid he was hurting her, but Casey immediately withdrew from his embrace and wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, looking anywhere but at him. "Casey..." he started, still speechless. "I... I don't know what to say; I'm sorry."

She shrugged and continued staring at her hands. "S'okay, El, its not your fault."

Elliot caught her look away uncomfortably at that and he immediately reached out and cupped her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him. "Hey. It's not yours, either, okay?"

She shrugged and looked away. "Yeah, sure..."

"No, not 'yeah, sure'. I want to hear you say its not your fault."

Casey gave him one of her patented 'I'm not in the mood looks' but still said slowly, "Fine, fine, if it'll make you feel better. It's not my... fault?"

He sighed, then gave her another hug before helping her to her feet. "Good girl, Case. Now, do you want to go over to Olivia's place? She would probably want to see you..."

Casey hesitated and looked away as he handed her her crutches. "Um, I... El, I don't know how to tell her- I mean, I lost my baby... my rapist's child, too, but still, she was my daughter, and I loved her... she'll never forgive me for this, Elliot-"

"Hey," he said harshly, turning to look at her as he led her outside the precinct. "You didn't ask for any of this, Casey. And Olivia won't have to forgive you because there's nothing to forgive. Now, I can help you tell her what happened, if you want, but first... well, you're going to have to talk to her."

Casey caught the note of concern in his voice and quickly looked up at him, worried. "Why? What's wrong? Is she okay? Is she-"

"Yes, yes, she's fine," he said, holding up his hand to stop the flow of questions. "Well, physically... Casey... please don't get mad, but... well, someone asked her out on a date and she didn't want to go, but I... well, I sort of convinced her to go on it."

Casey swallowed, suddenly terrified that Olivia had moved on, that she was too late in her homecoming, that she had already found somebody else... "Oh," she forced out, trying to smile but failing miserably. "Oh, I get it, she's... she's already got somebody else, I see, I'll just-"

Elliot held up his hand to stop her, clearly shocked. "Oh, no, Casey, that's not it at all! Case, their first date was tonight, and Olivia _really_ did not want to go on it. She felt like she was betraying you. I told her I'd pick her up after it and talk to her, but she wasn't at the restaurant. I tried calling her cell and she ignored my calls... I was just about to go find her when you came to the precinct..."

"Wait- do you think something could of happened to her? What if she's hurt, El? Oh, god, what if someone-"

"I don't think that's it, Case," he said slowly, looking down at the floor before glancing back up into the ADA's fierce eyes. "Casey, I'm pretty sure she was upset and went to... where she always goes when she's upset," he said, not wanting to tell Casey where it was.

"Oh, her mother's grave," Casey said with a nod. "Can you... can you please take me, El?"

He nodded as he led her outside the precinct, then said, "Sure, Case, but... well, its not her mother's grave. Not anymore."

**New Haven Cemetery**

**September 18th**

**1:00am**

Casey moved forward slowly, staring in shock at her girlfriend, who had yet to turn around to see the figure behind her. Olivia probably thought it was Elliot. Casey swallowed hard as she looked at the name on the tombstone- _Casey Novak._

"You know, El, I should of known never to go on that date," Olivia said softly. "I should of known I'd never, _ever_ find someone as perfect as Casey." Casey stared at her, blinking back tears, until Olivia snapped, "Are you going to say something or just stand there, Elliot?"

"Olivia," Casey gasped, unable to believe that it was true, that she was finally, truly home.

The detective remained still for a moment, then gasped and whirled around in shock. When she saw it was Casey, she froze, clearly unsure if she was dreaming or if she'd finally snapped. Casey reached out a trembling hand and touched her lover's shoulder, her voice thick with emotion as she said, "Liv... Olivia. It's you. It's really you."

Olivia looked from Casey to the tombstone and back again, clearly unable to process anything that was going on. "Witness protection," she said as a way of an explanation.

Olivia's eyes widened, and then she reached out slowly, tremulously, to twine her fingers in a strand of the ADA's hair. "Case, your hair," she said with a dazed smile. "Its blonde. If I was a dreaming you'd be a redhead."

"And if I was dreaming, we'd already be kissing," Casey said, looking her up and down, still unable to believe it.

Olivia took a hesitant step forward, then threw herself forward into Casey's arms, gasping, "Casey!"

"Olivia!" Casey breathed, feeling the warmth of Olivia's embrace as she wrapped her arms tightly around her girlfriend. God, it was really her. This wasn't a dream. She was actually back in New York, here, with Olivia. And Olivia didn't hate her!

Finally, back in the arms of someone she loved so much, she remembered what it was like to feel _safe_ again. To feel _loved_ again. And even though the urge to have sex with somebody, anybody, to renew that feeling _wasn't_ gone... it wasn't unbearable, like before. She could wait until she was ready, and she could have it with Olivia, not with Elliot or, worse, some random chick she met in a bar.

Still, Olivia didn't know the truth yet. She didn't know about her rape and she didn't know about her baby.

But that could wait. Right now, she was just content with being in her lover's embrace.

Please review


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks to all who reviewed, and all you lurkers too. Final chapter!

**Chapter 9**

**Somewhere on the streets of New York**

**September 18th**

**1: 30am**

Olivia knew she should be blissfully happy right now, but she wasn't.

It was weird- Casey was sitting on her lap, Olivia's arms wrapped firmly around her, but Casey wasn't relaxing back into her embrace; she hadn't even kissed her once. Plus she kept shooting furtive glances at Elliot, who was driving them back to Olivia's apartment, like he knew something the his partner didn't.

Finally, Olivia exclaimed, "Okay, am I not getting something here? Elliot? Casey?" She smiled involuntarily when she said her lover's name, but Casey and Elliot just stared at each other before Elliot nodded.

"Okay, Casey, I'll tell her, if that's okay with you?" Casey hesitated, then nodded quickly before burying her head in Olivia's neck in shame, her face red with embarrassment.

"Casey?" Olivia asked slowly, trying to brush the hair out of her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Olivia..." Elliot interceded quickly, pulling over onto the side of the road so he could actually look at her. "Look, the car bomb that we all thought killed Casey? Well, that's not why..." Casey listened as Elliot told Olivia, in paraphrased form, everything she had told him. He told Olivia that Taylor Smith had raped her, he told her that she had gotten pregnant from it but had terminated the pregnancy, which was not strictly speaking true, and Casey, fearful that Olivia would turn away from her in disgust if she thought the ADA had gotten an abortion, was forced to tell them the truth of how she really lost the baby. By the end of her story, she was sobbing so hard she could barely speak. Olivia's arms were still wrapped around her tightly, and Casey was thoroughly shocked when she felt Olivia's hand run through her hair and cradle her gently... why wasn't she angry? God, she should be furious!

But Olivia only seemed to be heartbroken by everything she had gone through, not the choices she had made. Maybe... just maybe... Olivia could forgive her? But Casey didn't want to think about that now, to think about the terrifying possibility that Olivia might leave her all alone.

Elliot dropped them off at Olivia's apartment building, gave them both a smile, then left the women alone. Olivia kept her hand wrapped firmly around Casey's as they walked towards the elevator, Casey in somewhat of a daze, leaning on Olivia more then her crutches for support. When they were finally alone in her apartment, they both stared at each other on opposite sides of the bed, unsure of what to do.

Finally, Casey stammered, "'Livia... can I... can you please ho... hold me... tonight? Please?" She looked up at Olivia hopefully, her green eyes clouded with tears, and there was all it took. Olivia immediately pulled her into a tight embrace as she lay down the bed, nuzzling her head into Casey's neck and refusing to let go, scared that if she did, she would never see her lover again.

"I love you, Casey," she whispered, pressing a kiss to her hot and sweaty forehead. "I love you... I'm so sorry."

Casey relaxed slowly into Olivia's arms, the place she had dreamed about hopelessly for months, leaning her head into her chest with a soft sigh. Today had been an emotional rollercoaster for her, and she was exhausted, but she was scared to go to sleep- because then, she would wake up and find out this had all been a dream. God, she was probably still in the hospital, in a coma and imagining all this.

But still, no matter how much she wanted to stay awake, her body needed sleep, and she soon found her eyes closing against her will.

Several hours later, Olivia woke up to find her girlfriend trembling in her arms, mumbling something over and over. Olivia was momentarily thrilled when she realized the whole thing hadn't been a dream, that Casey was really back here with her, but her happiness faded when she tried and failed to wake Casey up from the nightmare. She whimpered and continued mumbling, getting louder until Olivia could here what she was saying. It was her name, over and over and over, like a mantra. "Olivia, Olivia, Olivia," she gasped, calling for her girlfriend desperately even though she was safely cocooned in Olivia's arms.

"Its okay, Casey, I'm here, I'm here," Olivia murmured in her ear, squeezing her tight and kissing her cheeks and forehead, doing anything she could to make Casey feel her presence. "I'm here, Case, please, wake up, please!"

Casey moaned her name again, struggling to escape her arms. Olivia grabbed her by the shoulders and demanded, "Casey, wake up! Now!"

The ADA jolted awake in her arms, still gasping her girlfriend's name and still fighting to get out of her embrace. Olivia released her and scooted back a bit, watching her in concern. "Case, it's okay. I'm right here, everything's fine."

"Olivia?" Casey gasped tearfully as she cautiously looked up at her. "It was... I woke up and you weren't... I thought-"

Olivia immediately moved closer and threw her arms around, kissing her cheek. She knew what Casey was talking about. Olivia, too, had had many nightmares these past few months, always starring Casey. And, always, Olivia woke up screaming when she remembered that Casey was dead.. but now, she knew the truth- that Casey wasn't dead. "It's fine, Casey," she assured her girlfriend as she kissed her forehead. "I understand."

Casey relaxed slightly against her, leaning her head on her shoulder before cupping Olivia's face in her hands and turning the detective to face her before kissing her. It was their first real kiss since Casey had 'died', and it was fantastic. Soft, hesitant, but fantastic. After a moment, they pulled away and smiled awkwardly at each other. Olivia brushed the rest of Casey's tears away before hugging her again. "God, Case... I can't believe you're really back."

"I know," Casey said with a soft smile. "Neither can I."

After a moment, Olivia pulled back slightly, though she still kept her arms around Casey. "Case, I... I really wish I didn't, but I have to get ready for work. Do you know... I mean, are you getting your job back at the DA's office or-?"

Casey nodded and smiled again. "Yeah. The FBI guy said I'm supposed to call my boss tonight, but yeah, I'm going to be your ADA again."

Olivia was barely able to contain her excitement now. "That's absolutely great, Casey! The new ADA... she... well, I'm sure the guys will tell you more then enough stories about her for you to get the picture. Um, Case... I don't feel right asking you this, but... can you come with me to work today? Munch and Fin are catching today, this is my paperwork day, and I don't want... I mean, I-"

"I know, Liv," Casey said, silencing her. She didn't want to be apart from her either. "Of course I'll come. Plus only El and you know I'm back... I've missed the other guys, too."

"And they've missed you," Olivia told her before kissing her lightly again. "Come on, let's get ready. After work, the guys are probably going to want to celebrate... so, tomorrow, that's just you and me, baby. Just you and me."

Casey's eyes narrowed slightly, and she looked away apprehensively. Olivia realized she had jumped to conclusions and said quickly, "I don't mean sex, but if you're ready for that and you want to, then we can. But we don't have to, I promise." Casey sighed in relief, then went off to go get dressed.

**SVU squad room**

**September 18th**

**8:30am**

"Casey?" Olivia asked as they approached the squad room. "I've got a question for you... what's with the blond hair?"

"Huh?" the ADA asked, then groaned theatrically and shook her head. "Oh, yeah, that! The FBI _dyed my hair_ blonde! They said redheads were too easily recognizable and that I had been in the news alot, so they had to make me blend in. You know they tried to make me wear glasses, too?"

Olivia burst out laughing. "I can't imagine that went over well," she said as took Casey's hand, the two heading towards the door. "Well, you better dye your hair back to red soon, Case. I miss it."

Casey nodded quickly and said, "So do I." Then she looked up and saw that they were Munch, Fin, and Cragen were already in the squad room. Luckily for her, so were Melinda and Huang, so she'd only have to tell her story one more time, hopefully.

Olivia caught her nervous look and squeezed her hand before asking, "You ready for this, Case?"

Taking a deep breath, Casey nodded, then pushed open the door to the squad and stepped firmly inside. No one looked up; not that she had expected them to. Casey cleared her throat, smiling broadly as she looked down at Munch and Fin at their desks, Cragen in his office, Melinda and Huang discussing something in the corner... it was like nothing had changed.

But god, she had missed them so much.

Olivia prodded her forward with a shit-eating grin plastered all over her face, and Casey swallowed back her nerves before announcing nervously, "Hi." All in all, not a very dramatic entrance, especially for a ghost back from the dead, but it at least attracted the attention of Munch and Fin.

The two just sat there staring at her for a full five seconds, then Munch threw his hands up in the air and said, "Okay, I've officially gone insane. Either that, or I'm drunk and hallucinating."

Fin, who was still staring at Casey, said slowly, "Well then I'm drunk too... it's her twin sister, right? Casey had a twin sister. Yeah, that makes sense. Perfect sense. Explains the blonde hair and everything."

Casey and Olivia glanced at each other in surprise before Casey said slowly, "Um... no, Fin, I don't have a twin sister. I'm an only child. And Munch, I'm surprised at you, I come back from the dead and you don't scream conspiracy? Wow, you really have changed!"

Munch and Fin just stared at her, open-mouthed, and Olivia called Huang and Warner over to them as well. The two headed over to them, freezing when they saw Casey. They, too, just stared at her, as Olivia called for Cragen to come out of this office. "If you're gonna tell this story, Case, you might as well tell it to everybody." Cragen came out of his office then stood rooted to the spot when he caught sight of Casey.

Casey cleared her throat anxiously as she felt five pairs of very shocked eyes on her. "Um... yeah. I know you all thought I was dead, but... well, I'm not. I'm very much alive and _very_ happy to be back." As they continued to stare at her, she explained quickly, "Witness protection. That's where I was. They faked my death, but Taylor Smith is dead, so... I'm back."

Once the others had processed the news and realized that yes, this wasn't some big joke, Casey really was alive and back, for good, the ADA found herself pulled into many hugs as the squad welcomed her back. "Oh, thank god you're back, Casey," Munch exclaimed as he embraced her. "God, this new ADA... she's crazy! Please tell me you're taking you job back, Case," he pleaded as he sat down on the edge of his desk.

Casey nodded firmly. "Oh, hell yes. She's willing to transfer back to white collar so I'm getting my old job back. Everything's back to normal." _No need for them to know about the rape or my baby yet. Or ever, for that matter. _

"What's with the crutches, Novak?" Fin asked her as he clapped her on the back and looked her up and down. "And please tell me the blonde hair is just a phase."

Casey hesitated a fraction of a second before telling them a half-truth. "I just hurt my leg in a car crash, that's all, I'll be fine." Then she decided to have a little fun with Fin as she twirled a strand of hair in her fingers and asked innocently, "What, don't you like it? I thought it looked good!"

Fin immediately backpedalled and said, "No, no, it does, I was just surprised, that's all, it's really quite... um... uh, nice. Yeah, nice!"

Casey and Olivia both scoffed at his ridiculous attempt to save himself before the ADA said, "Oh, relax, Fin, I know it looks horrible. The FBI took the liberty of dying it to make me 'less recognizable'. You're lucky I convinced them out of the glasses."

Fin started laughing at the thought of her in glasses. "Wow, Casey. God, I can't believe you're really alive!"

Cragen nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Wow, Casey, six months... what've you been doing all this time?"

Chuckling under her breath, Casey said, "Well, you'll never believe this, but the FBI set me up as a high school English teacher. I almost went crazy with those kids, I swear, they're the most annoying little brats I've ever met. And I've prosecuted rapists with better personalities than some of them!"

All the detectives laughed as they gathered around her, eager to hear stories of what she'd been doing for the past six months. "You, as a school teacher?" Fin shook his head. "Nope, I'm not seeing it. Did you ever go into your famous rants at them?"

Casey chuckled and blushed, rolling her eyes. "Well, as a matter of fact, I did, several times. They just stared at me blankly. God, kids are hopeless. Munch, I see why you hate them so much."

Munch laughed, then shrugged. "Well, what can I say? Personally, I believe they're a government conspiracy created to-"

"_Its not a conspiracy_!" Fin, Cragen, and Olivia yelled together while Casey smiled again- seems like not many things had changed around here.

"Hey, Casey!" A new voice said from the doorway as Elliot entered the squad room. He nodded at her and everybody else gathered around the ADA as he said, "Well, I guess they know you're alive now, huh?" he asked as he sat down next to her on the edge of his desk.

Casey nodded happily as the others turned to stare at Elliot in surprise. "Elliot?" Munch asked. "You knew about this?"

"Yeah. Well, since this morning- Casey came to the squad room and I was the only one here," he said, shrugging. Casey sighed, relieved that he neglected to mention what she'd begged him to do before breaking down. She'd rather not the rest of SVU find out about that. "I knew if I told you guys without proof, you'd think I was crazy."

The rest of the morning passed by without any work getting done whatsoever, SVU finding Casey far more interesting then boring, repetitive paperwork. But when Fin and Munch were called out on a case, they had to break up the reunion. "But you, don't go anywhere," Munch directed at Casey with a mischievous grin. "After work tonight, we are all going out for drinks. So don't think of running off again."

Casey shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Wouldn't dream of it, Munch."

Once the others had left, Elliot looked at the ADA cautiously and asked, "Case? How much did you tell them?"

She swallowed and looked away. "Just... just that I was in witness protection. Not any of the other stuff."

"Do you want me to tell them for you, or-"

"No!" she exclaimed quickly, looking back up at them. "No, I... can we just not tell them? I mean, they don't really have to know the entire truth, do they? I'd just... rather keep this quiet; for now."

Elliot and Olivia exchanged a nervous glance before the latter said, "Case, they don't have to know if you don't want them to, but you know there's always a chance of them finding out, right?" Casey nodded sadly, fiddling with some lint on her jacket. In an attempt to cheer her up, Olivia beckoned her over to her desk and said, "Come on, help us do paperwork. If you're gonna be a lawyer again you have to get used to paperwork."

Casey chuckled as she down next to Olivia and shook her head. "Well, now my life is complete. _Paperwork_. Woo," she said unenthusiastically as she started looking over the forms on the detective's desks.

Both Olivia and Casey- Elliot having left to get lunch sometime ago- were bored out of their minds when Olivia got a text message, from Elliot. It read, '_Meet me outside dont bring Casey'._ Olivia frowned, wondering what he had to tell her that he couldn't tell Casey, then said quickly, "Hey Case, I'm going to go get a drink from the vending machine, you want anything?" Casey just shook her head and leaned back in her chair, rubbing her temples. Olivia nodded and headed out to meet Elliot.

"El!" Olivia called once she'd spotted him and hurried over. "What's up?"

Elliot glanced around surreptitiously , then said, "It's Casey. Last night, in the squad room... well, she didn't tell me this, but I think you should know- she's not eating or sleeping, and I'm reasonably sure she's cutting herself. Also... look, don't let this come between you two, I don't think she was actually attracted to me- but when she first showed up, she was begging to have sex with me."

Olivia blinked, staring at him. "Um... what?" she said after a moment, completely confused. "Casey? _My_ Casey? ...I repeat, what?"

"I don't think it had anything to do with her wanting to cheat on you or something, Liv," Elliot said quickly. "I've been thinking about it and... well, you know how rape victims feel dirty, that they can't be loved? I think that's what was wrong with Casey... I just thought you should know. Just don't let it come between you two... she was hiding it pretty well this morning, but she's hurting, Liv, don't let her push you away."

Olivia swallowed, then glanced back at Casey. She had kicked her feet up on Olivia's desk and was still studying her paperwork, chewing on a pen. She had to admit, Elliot was right- Casey looked alot thinner then before she had left, and though she was too far away to see any scars, Olivia could of sworn she'd seem some last night, when Casey was asleep. As for wanting to sleep with Elliot... well, Casey was gay, through and through. In all the years Olivia had known her, she never once seen her on a date with a guy. Elliot was probably right about that, too. Still, it hurt a little.

Olivia sighed sadly, then gestured for Elliot to follow as she walked back into the squad room. "Ooh, food!" Casey exclaimed happily when she saw Elliot approaching with Chinese takeout. "Give me some! Doing Olivia's paperwork always makes me hungry."

"Oh, shut up, you know you like it," Olivia said playfully, kissing her before sitting back down. "Feet off desk," she ordered. Casey groaned theatrically before sweeping her feet off Olivia's desk, and the detective promptly kicked her own feet up. She answered Casey's incredulous look with a smirk before passing her some of the food.

Sequel= not written yet. But don't worry, I'll get it up eventually. Until then, adios!


End file.
